(God bless Ken Layne, who came up with this:)
* “This will not be easy.” — One sullen slurp.
* “Challenging times.” — Try to drink from the side of your mouth without spilling.
* “Bipartisan” or “bipartisanship.” — One shot, feel up somebody else’s girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse.
* “Same old politics” and/or “politics as usual.” — Two quick gulps.
* “Played by the rules.” — Ask somebody to get you another drink and then drink their drink while they’re in the kitchen.
* “Recovery.” — One hit off your beverage. (You should have spares at hand.)
* “Recovery.com” — Three drinks and punch anybody in the room who sort of looks like Biden.
* “Resolve.” — Take a shot.
* Camera stops on various “opposition” figures such as Cantor: If you’re male, do a line of meth and try to get another “straight” guy to blow you in the bathroom.
* “Discipline.” — Take a very careful shot.
* Camera stops on Hero Pilot “Andrew” Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger III: Women and children take a drink, men go outside and have a smoke.
* “Breaking ground.” — One manly gulp.
* “Infrastructure.” — Two sips and check the fridge for supplies.
* Any mention of the Taliban: Put a “burqa” (pillowcase) over the heads of any women and gaily drink with your male friends.
* “Aggressive action.” — Chug a beer or glass of wine.
* Any variation of “best days are ahead.” — Finish all the booze in the house, weep.
Archive for February 25th, 2009
(God bless Ken Layne, who came up with this:)
the director of “Slumdog Millionaire” (Danny Boyle) and a producer of the movie have promised the children stars new flats for them and their families. So they won’t have to go back to living like this:
This just melts my cold, dead heart.
Just in case they don’t follow through (you know those slick Hollywood types), a Mumbai housing association is also chiming in to grant the children a flat each.
And there’s more! Boyle is going to hire each child a rickshaw driver to take them to and from school (to make sure they go).
The rickshaw driver will get nothing.
Of course, Salman Rushdie is now going to show up in Mumbai and burn these kids’ fancy new apartments to the ground. Because that’s what would happen in real life.
Hot on the heels of a pot-consumer-based boycott, Kelloggs is now dealing with staggering loss of brand confidence. Why? My bet is that their Wheaties sales pale in comparison to Pop Tarts, Eggos, Cheez Its, and the various and sundry products to come out of the Keebler tree. Take away potheads’ rampant consumption of the latter group, and you get the following:
When Kellogg announced it would not renew its endorsement contract with Olympic medalist Michael Phelps after a photo of the athelete smoking pot surfaced, it may have cost the food company its sterling reputation, reports company reputation index Vanno.
Out of the 5,600 company reputations Vanno monitors, Kellogg ranked ninth before it booted Phelps. Now it’s ranked 83. Not even an industry-wide peanut scare inflicted as much damage on the food company’s reputation.
In short: Rats in the plant? Bad. Selling salmonella-infused peanut butter to school cafeterias? Worse. Pissing off the only people in the world who will still buy Hydrox and Vienna Cremes when the chips are down? Brainless.
Huzzah! Our prodigal son returns!
I never understood why he didn’t make it on his own. His shows were all hilarious. Then again, I think the same thing about “Arrested Development.” And the teaming of those two that happened in season 3 of the Bluth saga? Pure. Magic.
Anyway, welcome home! Here’s to many, many more years of this!
I’ll say it (and duck the flying tomatoes that will come my way as I do): I haven’t really liked “The Daily Show” as of late. Specifically, Jon Stewart seems to have devolved into a constant caricature of himself, which just bugs me. I find myself constantly yelling at the screen, “Don’t applaud that. He just shrugged and adjusted his tie!! He’s not even trying anymore!”
John Oliver, however, is the latest in a long, long line of English comedians that make me almost like the English (though this stubborn Irish/Scottish blood always brings me back on the side of the just). Anyway, they both impressed me here, and, in Stewart’s case, surprised me.
So Bobby “Wünderkind” Jindal gave the Republican response to the Obama State of the Union. While the Republicans were wetting their pants over the idea, calling it a coming-out party and all (way to use a debutante reference in dire economic times, by the by), the liberal media is just pooing all over it. So far this morning, I’ve read his speech called “weirdly robotic,” and that “he seemed to be trying to get out the door to catch a ride from Baton Rouge to New Orleans before Lent began.” My beloved Nate Silver even went so far as to refer to it as “Jindal Versus the Volcano,” and that just can’t be good.
Instead of fighting, though, can we all just take a minute to marvel at Chris Matthews not realizing his mike is on and he’s on the teevee machine? Watch him skewer any credibility he had as a reliable news guy (he had credibility?) by moaning, “Oh, God” right before Jindal starts speaking (thanks again to Wonkette for your awesome moan-identifying skillz!).
UPDATE: It’s not just the left that hated the speech. David Brooks and Fox News are jumping on the we-wish-he-were-more-like-Palin bandwagon. Maybe he should exorcise their head demons?
I hate having to read about the State-of-the-Union-ish speech from afar. This is the price I pay for free health care. *sigh*
In case anyone else missed it, from what I gather, Obama’s speech went over like gangbusters. According to us librul-types. According to Gallup, however, Obama’s job approval rating has just dipped below 60% for the first time (Draft up the resignation papers! He’s going down!).
Seriously, though, I’m wondering how this will be received. On the one hand, Americans don’t want to be patronized like bunny rabbits (“I don’t patronize bunny rabbits”–sorry, couldn’t resist), but, on the other hand, being fed the truth ain’t really our strong suit either.
Only time will tell if he included enough vagueries about how our abyssmal health care and educational systems will be magically fixed, if only we clap our hands and bring them back to life. And by “time,” I mean “Nate Silver.”
(Credit where credit’s definitely due: The awesome Blingee was snagged from Wonkette’s brilliant liveblogging of the event.)
Eighty percent of speech watchers approve of President Obama’s plans for dealing with the economic crisis. Before the speech, 63 percent approved.
Fifty-one percent of speech watchers think the president’s economic plans will help them personally. Thirty-six thought so before the speech.
Seventy-five percent of speech watchers now say they were able to get a good understanding of President Obama’s economic plans, compared to 58 percent before the speech.
Quick note to David Brooks: Tread lightly with this slavish worship of Obama (by Republican standards). You may wake up to a horse’s head in your bed. Worse yet, it could be Kathryn Jean Lopez. Naked. *shudder*