NAMBLA Wants Andrew Cuomo Dead

Seriously, it’s in a newspaper and on the teevee and everything. (Well, kinda. The “newspaper” is the NY Post, a bastion of responsible journalism to be sure.)

Pedophiles Put Price on AG’s Head

Why, you ask?

a $10,000 bounty was placed on Cuomo by a suspected agent of NAMBLA. The article quotes an investigative source as saying the pedophile community is upset with Cuomo for making internet service providers take responsibility for policing child pornography.

Cuomo has also been aggressively seeking to keep convicted pedophiles behind bars through civil confinement.

This is going to sound totally OT, but give me a sec: If you know anything about Philly Cheesesteaks, you know there is a rivalry between Geno’s and Pat’s, both of whom claim to have the best in the country. A long time ago, a rumor surfaced that Pat was using horsemeat as his steaks. To rebut, Pat offered a $10,000 reward to anyone who could prove it. Many, many long lines later, the source of the rumor was revealed: Pat. Barnum-esque and brilliant, this story has stayed with me as a model for how to manipulate a crowd into unwittingly doing your bidding by posing as your own adversary.

And so I officially now start the countdown to the revelation that this anonymous NAMBLA agent is actually a Cuomo associate (or Andrew himself). Tick tock, people!

Obama To Execs: Yeah, Bush’s Signing Statements Were More Like Suggestions

Gotta love this new POTUS, and I do. Really, really love him. I’m waiting for the inevitable burst hope bubble, but he just keeps making it bigger and shinier.

It takes some serious sack to say to [order] executive officials on Monday to consult with Attorney General Eric H. Holder Jr. before relying on any of [Bush's signing statements] to bypass a statute.

“Yeah, that guy who was here before? At best I think he was inept, and at worst a total fucking sociopath. Either way, his orders mean dick. Disregard all his bullshit. We’re going to try doing things constitutionally for a change.”

Sometimes I wonder what it must be like for Bush now. I have the feeling he spends most of his time avoiding any and all contact with the outside world, lest he be reminded that everyone’s hep to his bullshit and calling for his neck. More than anything, I’ll bet he’s wishing he hadn’t gotten Texans all hot and wet about the idea of killing retarded criminals.

I Have Never Been Prouder Of Any Animal

Chimp found to have planned attacks on zoo visitors.

A while back I visited the Bronx Zoo. I remember seeing the kids and adults there acting like complete and utter asshats to try to get the animals attention. Never have I felt sorrier for a group of creatures. As I continued down by the primates, I saw a male gorilla treating his persecutors to the sight of him voraciously humping one of his female counterparts (he had 4, the lucky bastard). Childrens’ eyes were being covered, horrified parents were pulling them away, but the kids remained long enough to watch the gorilla come like a train, immediately thereafter grabbing the female by her neck and throwing her into the moat surrounding their habitat. It was then I knew that their consciousness had to be more elevated than suspected because That. Was. Classic.

This hunch of mine (and myriad scientists) has been confirmed by good (bad?) ol’ Santino the chimp, who has been systematically orchestrating hundreds of stone-throwing attacks on his Swedish visitors, if they step out of line.

Crucial to the current study is the fact that Santino, a chimpanzee at the zoo in the city north of Stockholm, collected the stones in a calm state, prior to the zoo opening in the morning.

The launching of the stones occurred hours later – during dominance displays to zoo visitors – with Santino in an “agitated” state.

This suggests that Santino was anticipating a future mental state – an ability that has been difficult to definitively prove in animals, according to Mathias Osvath, a cognitive scientist from Lund University in Sweden and author of the new research.

Ah, premeditation, motive, opportunity…Santino would make a perfect Bonnie in the Bonnie and Clyde remake! Or, at least, he’d be better than Hilary Duff.