Joaquin Phoenix Is Now Almost The Man On The Moon. But Without Teh Funneh.

Poor Joaquin Phoenix. He so clearly wants to be Andy Kaufman, which I get. What could be cooler than to be the guy who was so good at assuming a hilarious and incendiary character that people have only recently begun to get the joke? A man so skilled and committed that people still question his death?

So, yes, I understand why a young and talented actor might want to be just like him. Still, it’s kind of sad that he missed the point: It’s no longer original, son. So people are going to be hep to your ruse. Which makes you look less like a genius and more like a derivative wannabe.

So, let’s go down the checklist:
1. Create a character.
2. Name a bizarre career change.
3. Never appear out of character.
4. Make David Letterman uncomfortable.

The next step in the Andy-Kaufman-as-the-provacateur mold, obviously, is to be more provocative. Ever the faithful follower, Phoenix just picked a fight with a heckler in his audience.

I wish Joaquin had stuck with his old trick of fucking with reporters. That “frog” bit was classic.

Hopeless Clown Michael Steele Digs Individual Choice, Baby!

Poor ol’ fail machine, Michael Steele, is at it again, this time accidentally espousing the opposition’s point of view about a cornerstone conservative issue. You can’t really blame him, though. Who the hell really knows what “individual” means? It has, like, 4 syllables or something! And that “choice” word…I’m pretty sure it’s foreign.

L: How much of your pro-life stance, for you, is informed not just by your catholic faith, but by the fact that you were adopted? M: Oh, a lot. Absolutely. I see the power of life in that. I mean, and the power of choice! The thing to keep in mind about it, uh, you know, I think as a country we get off on these misguided conversations that throw around terms that really misrepresent truth. L: Explain that. M: The choice issue cuts two ways. You can choose life or you can choose abortion. You know, my mother chose life. So, you know, I think the power of the argument of choice boils down to stating a case for one or the other. L: Are you saying you think women have the right to choose abortion? M: Yeah. I mean, again, I think that’s an individual choice. L: You do? M: Yeah. Absolutely. L: Are you saying you don’t want to overturn Roe v. Wade? M: I think Roe v. Wade–as a legal matter, Roe v. Wade was a wrongly decided matter. L: Okay, but if you overturn Roe v. Wade, how do women have the choice you just said they should have? M: The states should make that choice: that’s what the choice is. The individual choice rests in the states. Let them decide. He’s lucky he went on and on about how he loves killing babies, or people might have noticed how he also said being gay isn’t a choice, or how Obama’s inauguration was/wasn’t moving for him, because he doesn’t get caught up like that/was honored, but how he reached out to Obama after his election to the Senate brother-to-brother…oh, who can keep track of all the epic failing in that interview? Oh, Michael, I will miss you when the revolution comes. You are an idiot, but a seriously hilarious one. I doubt I’ll have such warm and fuzzy giggle moments reading comments made by your horrifyingly racist successor, Katon Dawson.

Greatest. Injustice. Ever.

The shoe-throwing Iraqi journalist has been sentenced to three years in prison, presumably for missing Dubya’s giant head. (Seriously, how fast did Bush get out of the way of those shoes? It makes me wonder how many projectiles have flown his way over the years, cause those were some practiced dodges.)

Poor Muntadher al-Zaidi is taking the heat for what I used to do, mentally, while reading the paper. For this, I now bow my head and give thanks. Then, in his memory/honor:

Can Michelle Obama Teach Americans To Eat Right? Prolly Not.

Don’t get me wrong: I hope she succeeds in her stated goal to encourage healthful eating across the United States. And I really think, if anyone can do it, she can. (Can anyone remember such a collective swoon happening in the States at a couple’s physiques as has happened with these two? Seriously, it’s like we all have a touch of the vapors when they bare the tiniest bit of skin.)

It’s just that, as I’ve said many times before, the notion that being American means overindulging in everything is soooo ingrained, it seems impossible to extricate from our collective consciousness. Her idea to highlight overindulgence in local produce seems smart, since it’s not taking away anything (just modifying it), but it’s still a tough sell. Wearing our hyper-consumption of bacon grease (and spare tires) like a badge of honor has become de rigeur. I hope it changes, since it’s not only wildly unhealthy but also seriously costly to the American taxpayer (yes, more so than smokers or drug addicts), but I lack the hope these guys have.

Part of the reason? They’re already catching flack from our fucking Congressmen about the “tiny portions” they’re being served at the White House dinners. If these guys (who, I hate to say it, are actually role models to a lot of people) can’t suck it up and set an example, I just don’t know if this idea can sell.

It’s not just about the food either. It seems to be a generally accepted notion in the U.S. to sort of expect free lunches, if you will. The legends of people pulling themselves up by the bootstraps aside, we seem to expect to just be given things without working very hard or long at them. It could be my generational lack of patience with everything (blame Sesame Street!), our proliferation of easily-available fast food, or who knows what; cutting corners to get ahead just seems to be the new American dream. Sure, we want the chiseled bodies of our new leaders, but we don’t soooo much want to put in the hours at the gym or eat like they do.

Part of this also stems from our reluctance to tell people they’re not special in some way. From high school teachers no longer being able to correct grammar, to the SAT’s being easier to ace, we seem to be unable to tell our children that everything they do and are isn’t exceptionally perfect, lest we damage their self esteem. I understand this desire. Really. I constantly tell my daughter how wonderful she is, and I loathe the notion that one day she won’t feel that way. But my greatest hope is for her to one day truly accept herself, scars and all, and I know that me constantly denying she has any faults won’t help.

So, yeah, there are a lot of reasons I think Michelle might fail. But, then again, I had many more reasons I thought I’d never see a president elected who is smart, handsome, and in love with his family, so fuck do I know, right?

Did You Know An American Nazi Tried To Kill Obama?

No, not those two idiots from a while ago. This one’s serious:

James G. Cummings was a white supremacist millionaire, residing in Maine in a house with the Nazi flag in front of it (yes, he flagged his house for them). Inside his lair, he had all the makings of a dirty bomb, which he planned to explode at Obama’s inauguration. And he would have done it, unimpeded, had his wife not shot him dead on December 9.

First of all, this pisses me off because once again we are treated to an example of Bush and his policies not so much “keeping us safe” (as Peggy Noonan and other conservatives have been attempting to gush, in order to make him not sound like the biggest failure ever). His security would have allowed a terrorist attack on our soil. Just like it did before.

Secondly, where the fuck is the media on this one? Where’s the outrage? I haven’t even heard Olbermann get all hot and bothered about it, and he lives for getting hot and bothered about basically anything. What gives???

Anyway, there you have it. There are white supremacists out there with the means, knowledge, and motives to kill Obama and anyone else who stands in his way. They were sort of abstract notions to me before, but this shows how very real they are, and I’m willing to bet they don’t all have wives willing to shoot them before they’re caught. Sweet fucking dreams.

If Bristol Palin And Levi Johnston Can’t Make It Work…

…what chance have the rest of us? *sigh*

If you really need to read about the most shocking breakup this side of Britney and KFed, go ahead.