Archive for the 'Chick Shit' Category


Off With Their (Dick)Heads!

This is going to make me wildly unpopular, I know, but here we go (deep breath):

The issue of chemically castrating sex offenders is a fascinating one, mostly because both genders find nothing really all that complicated about their views. But those views are almost universally opposite one another. I just find it amazing that we have come so far in our understanding of one another over the generations–no thanks to the mythology that we originate from different planets, or whatever depressed women are lulling themselves to sleep with nowadays–and yet when it comes to basic penis etiquette, it seems we are again looking at one another, head cocked to the side like a spaniel hearing a fire engine. “Really? You think it’s your right to have an erection well into your 90’s? Well, I’ll be dipped.”

Viagra aside, the issue of chemical castration seems to be the one where I differ most from my be-phallused brethren. To me, the issue is simple. If a repeat sex offender requests castration so that he no longer fears his own worst impulses, do it. Period. End of story. Snip snip. The statistics on this back me up. From today’s story in the NY Times, in which they highlight the debate currently raging on this here side of the pond:

Dr. Martin Holly, a leading sexologist and psychiatrist who is director of the Psychiatric Hospital Bohnice in Prague, said none of the nearly 100 sex offenders who had been physically castrated had committed further offenses. A Danish study of 900 castrated sex offenders in the 1960s suggested the rate of repeat offenses dropped after surgical castration to 2.3 percent from 80 percent.

Of course, there are detractors, citing their opinions that this behavior is burned into the brain and not the testicles, and also that the newly eunuch-ed can order testosterone over the internet and resume their monstrous tendencies. To me, that seems (a) oxymoronic (If it’s all in their brain, why would they need/want to buy testosterone over the internet?), and (b) easy to fix (Back to prison witcha, mister!).

Regardless, while I agree that this type of deviant behavior is largely mental, I disagree that chemical castration can’t help. If the problem really is that the man can’t concentrate because of his need to fulfill horrifying sexual urges (as the lead-off case in the Times’ story said), chemical castration might help quell that (as the aforementioned eunuch says it has for more than 20 years). I have read some pleas for help, written to my darling Dan Savage, from pedophiles who, while they know their impulses are repulsive and dangerous, have no idea how to live without somehow purging them. Giving them some piece of mind, if they ask for it, seems…well, humane. Even if rape is only about control and is not sexual at all (an argument I buy, by the way), then I am yet to be convinced that lowering the testosterone level in someone wouldn’t help that problem of over-aggression out (I know the scientific community’s jury is still out on the direct correlation between testosterone and aggression, but the evidence is overwhelmingly…erm, coincident?).

I truly believe part of the problem in instituting this is the over-empathizing that a lot of men do with the convicts, just because they share a beloved body part. Let’s be clear here: This is not being proposed, nor should it be, as a way of dealing with any guy accused of date rape by his ex-girlfriend. Thus far, this has been used by volunteers who don’t want to feel they need to repeatedly stab 12-year-old boys to get their rocks off. (This is not to say that I wouldn’t like to see a pack of wild dogs unleashed at the bacon-wrapped crotches of frat-boy assholes with pockets full of roofies, but that’s my over-empathizing problem.)

Adding to the dilemma for the poor guys is that virtually any report you read on this tends to have sections like this:

Surgical castration has been a means of social control for centuries. In ancient China, eunuchs were trusted to serve the imperial family inside the palace grounds; in Italy several centuries ago, youthful male choir members were castrated to preserve their high singing voices.

(Huh? Weren’t we talking about it as a way to stop sex offenders from perpetuating their reigns of terror? Who said anything about creating slaves or reenacting Dido and Aeneas the way it was originally written?)

These days it can be used to treat testicular cancer and some advanced cases of prostate cancer.

(And now we’re talking about it as an extreme measure to counter death? Wait, whaaaa?)

At first, I couldn’t believe the Times printed an article with such off-topic and out-of-nowhere paragraphs in it, both of which seemed designed to portray castration in a horrifying light (which, let’s face it, isn’t hard). Then I checked. Yeah, a guy wrote it. And edited it. Poor guys could probably hardly type while hunched so tightly over their imaginarily imperiled members.

To sum up: I have long considered rape to be the most heinous of crimes, not only because of its sometimes brutal nature, but also because of the emotional violence it inflicts on its victims. They are left confused and scarred forever about one of the most intimate and wonderful parts of being a human being. I do believe that it’s a form of genital mutilation of the mind, if you will. So, yes, part of me just wants revenge-type punishment. But that would entail the aforementioned hungry dogs and fire pokers, rather than a chemical procedure. I really just think this might be a good idea.

Then again, I just watched Doubt last night, so I may be speaking a tish bit impulsively (good flick, by the by).


Obama And Pitt In The Same Room. Not A Dry Seat Eye In The White House.

There was just a whole lotta pretteh going on in 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue yesterday. HuffPo reports this morning that dreamy Barack Obama met with dreamier Brad Pitt.


The actor also met that day with Democratic congressional leaders, including Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, to discuss his charity and reconstruction efforts in New Orleans.

In addition to the president, the White House aide said that Pitt met with Carol Browner, who is serving as the Obama’s energy czar and was formerly Bill Clinton’s EPA Director.

The Make It Right Foundation New Orleans, which Pitt founded in 2007, is helping to rebuild the Lower Ninth Ward and other communities damaged by Hurricane Katrina.

Egads, could anything in the world ever make more libruls (or Republican males) quiver with ecstasy than this pairing?


Hasselbeck is Totes Gay For Maddow

Mmmm, this feels so...right.

Turns out the fire-breathing Republican men aren’t the only closeted ones in the bunch.

[During her recent trip to "The View," Rachel Maddow] received an unlikely compliment from conservative co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

“You do an exceptional job,” Elisabeth said. “I think it’s important to recognize people who do a great job on both sides of issues.”

And here I thought only the libruls were all moist for Rachel Maddow.

You know you wanna watch…


Obama Sends Hillary Away While The HHS Plays

Smart man:

Obama Taps Clinton Ideas but Not Clinton Herself

Mr. Obama is at once trying to distance himself from the baggage Mrs. Clinton carries as the architect of that plan, while demonstrating that he has learned from it. He is drawing on the experiences of a host of aides who are Clinton veterans, notably Rahm Emanuel, the White House chief of staff. But he is not relying on Mrs. Clinton herself.

“I think we’ve got her pretty well occupied,” said David Axelrod, Mr. Obama’s senior adviser, adding that the president and Mrs. Clinton had spoken about her experience with health care “only in the most general terms.”

“Well-occupied?” In Brussels? Did they tell her there’s an emergency shortage of good fries, beer, and chocolate in this country, and our need for strong relations with Belgium has never been stronger? Didn’t she see In Bruges??? People only send you to Belgium to get rid of you!

Wait till the PUMAs get wind of this. God help us all.


Motherhood: 1 Year In And Counting

So I’ve not been blogging the past few days, since I was busy celebrating my one-year-old’s first birthday. For ALMOST A WEEK??? you ask. It may sound excessive, but only to those without kids. Those with them, whether or not they agreed to the over-festivities marking the 1-year anniversary of their stint as sleep-deprived vomit sponges, will understand. But, it is for those without that I am chronicling the most important thing I’ve learned over the past year. And for my daughter to read one day, so I can make her feel king hell guilty about the saccharine nightmare into which she’s turned her mother. Anyhoodle (see???), here we go.

The old “Golden Rule” (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you) is ridiculous. Well, I’ve always thought that, since my opinion of myself and how I should be treated ain’t that high. As for a guideline on how to treat others, though, I sincerely do not believe you can do better than by treating everyone around you as if they have a baby attached to them. Not in a stroller, but in their arms.

As a Baby Björn addict, I am perpetually walking around with my daughter’s sweet face directly under mine, and it never ceases to amaze me the good it brings out of people. Cars stop for us to cross the street, seats on public transportation are never a problem, and brass musicians performing in enclosed spaces lower their volume at our approach. In general, the populous I have encountered is a totally different one than other people see. And, from my point of view, though, everyone waves to, chats with, offers to help, and visibly brightens their brethren. It’s, for lack of a better word, lovely. Really.

And it doesn’t just apply to others. I am different with people when I’m with her. I’m just different in general. My whole attitude becomes, not only friendlier, but much more chin-up than it otherwise would be. Even in my situation now, working for the worst bosses I’ve ever had by a long shot (which is saying a lot, considering I also worked for a drug addict who videotaped his female employees in the bathroom for his own in-house wanking material), and enveloped in financial, bureaucratic, and other such nightmares. Getting to realize that, at the end of the day, none of that is quite so fascinating as a lip balm container…well, it’s been remarkably enlightening, to say the least. Not to mention it’s relieving to not worry about your own petty shit quite so much.


Alert The Media! Pr0n Industry Does Something Degrading To A Woman!

I know I shouldn’t be shocked. Well, truth be told, I’m not…at the first part.

Octuplets’ Mom Offered $1 Million To Do One Porn Movie.

This part of the offer is not really offensive to me, mostly because I expected it sooner, and also because I don’t mind mocking this woman a bit. In and of itself, it’s a bit offensive, but the offense is of the de rigeur sort. Nope, it’s the next part of the offer that got me into a feminist froth:

Vivid Entertainment spokeswoman Jackie Martin says the offer [to make her a contract girl] also promises a year of health insurance for Nadya Suleman and her 14 children.

That’s predatory and evil and just not fair. Want to take the piss out of a crazy lady? Fine. Want to blackmail a destitute and desperate woman (who has what appears to be trauma-induced views on sexuality already) by using her children’s well-being as bait? Not fine.

I suppose I may be overreacting, in large part because I’m currently in a job I hate solely to ensure that my daughter gets to stay in Europe for long enough to become a citizen (so she can have all the free health care and cheap education she wants). While my work environment is degrading and depressing, there is no work atmosphere that could be more so than a porn set for someone who thinks sex is disgusting.

So, damn you, Vivid Entertainment! You’re making me feel for this crazy bitch!

But, rather than blame the proverbial dog for licking itself, I’m going to blame the Republicans for this. That’s right, the good ol’ GOP has created this situation by blocking mandatory health care for all citizens of the United States.

Fuckin’ Bobby Jindal just evinced the very reason we moved from the States. Just like when his parents arrived from India, I arrived in Spain pregnant. Just like his parents, I wasn’t eligible for health insurance in the States. Unlike his parents, I booked it to where I could deliver my baby, stay in the hospital for a couple days, and be sure she can get her vaccinations, antibiotics, and checkups without us going into the poorhouse. Jindal’s parents, however, had to pay off his delivery and subsequent medical care for years. And he bragged about it. As though it’s a fucking badge of honor to have to pay for something the rest of the world (rightfully) considers basic sanitation. And he’s telling this to a country in a goddamned depression, as though our government refusing to help its citizens is building our collective character.

I went for one series of basic blood tests in the United States, and it is still building my character into an towering and rabid proponent of universal health care. A doctor, knowing we were seriously desperate, lured us to his lair for a quick checkup at the “bargain” price of $500. He spent the visit trying to convince us to have some more imaging done, even though the baby and I both looked fine, then charged me $750 for the pleasure. Subsequent lab costs brought the total to $2500. The fact we have that debt isn’t honorable or some kind of sign of our independence; it’s outrageous and obscene. Just like these pornographers.

I hope they all burn. Like, actually burn themselves. And go to the hospital, wait for 7 hours to be seen, then get $400 million worth of skin grafts they can happily pay off for the rest of their beastly lives. With honor.


A Fancy Scientific Study Links Eating Less To Losing Weight!

Yes, they pay people for this.

A new study has found that overall calorie consumption matters far more than cutting any particular food group (fats, carbs) in maintaining a healthy weight. Will this turn the weight loss industry on its ear? Nope. Why? It ain’t news.

As I’ve mentioned before, I used to teach a lot of fitness classes at various venues in Baton Rouge. While the clientele varied enormously from the YMCA to the high-end fancy gym, one thing remained the same: People want short cuts. And, hey, I can’t blame them. It’s human nature to, when confronted with a seemingly enormous task, try to figure out a way to get around starting a long journey.

I’ve found that, when people are looking for advice on losing weight, they want to hear two things: they can get immediate gratification, and there’s some new secret they didn’t know about before. I really can’t blame them; I myself am HUGELY impatient (for example, I would rather snack all day than prepare a meal, if given my druthers), and I wouldn’t want to be paying for advice I’d already heard. Regardless, I tended to tell my clients the truth when they asked how best they could lose weight: Eat less and exercise more. They always looked disappointed, but it always worked. Of course, the other trainers–advocating specific weight exercises, fish-only diets, or even liposuction–were more popular, but at least I knew I wasn’t bullshitting people who were earnestly looking for help.

I know I’ve harped on this before, citing personal experience and observation, but it’s nice to be able to cite a specific study.

If the money I applied for in my grant went to this no-brainer, though, I’m going to plotz.


Stimulate Yourself To The Oldies

I’m taking this opportunity, and probably abusing this forum, to propose my own stimulus package. Of course, we all know it won’t happen for a number of reasons (too focused on the long-term, could be seen as encroaching as people’s individual liberties, I’m an not now–nor will i ever be–a public figure). Still, knowing full well this is going to fly in the face of an awesome–but terrifying–article I just read in Slate, here ’tis:

Step 1: Revamp public transportation.

I know this is part and parcel of virtually any (sane) person’s stimulus plan, but my proposal is further reaching than revamping what we have. Make it accessible to everyone everywhere, suburbs and rural places alike.

Step 2: Tax The Holy Hell Out Of Cars.

I was going to propose just taking them, but this way people can still have their cars, so long as they pay for them. Specifically, I’m thinking of the Dutch model, in which people are taxed on the cars according to their weight. Want a Hummer? Fine. Just pay the government what it will cost them to maintain the roads you’re going to savage. (This tax could be built in to the corporate tax companies reliant on the trucking industry already pay.)

Step 3: Watch What Happens.

As I said, this plan just occurred to me the other day, when, while riding the train to work, I noticed that I have somehow or other gotten really defined arms. While not amazing in and of itself, it is worth noting a few things as background:
a) While living in the States, I taught fitness classes. Like, a lot of fitness classes. About 15 per week. Meaning, I was at the gym at least twice daily, doing step, kickboxing, pilates, spinning, and weight training for the masses.
b) As such, I was in pretty goddamned good shape.
c) I have not been back into a gym since moving from the States almost two years ago.
d) In that time, I’ve had a baby.

Given all this, it was a shock to realize that my arms were suddenly much more toned than they had ever been. And the reason why became clear the next day, as I was taking the train home from a brief jaunt to an Indian market, heavy bag and big baby in tow. Walking, carrying my own groceries, clinging to my child like a mama chimp, etc., has made me the incredible shrinking woman, while building up some seriously good musculature.

Why would national weight loss be stimulus?

1. It would stimulate the poor farming industry, since junk food is not so appealing to the chronically active. (I say this as someone who routinely consumes at least 90% of her calories as junk food, if I’m allowed.)

2. It would save literally an assload of money in health costs, thereby helping people pay lower premiums. Extra change in pockets = extra spending.

3. The jobs created by the infrastructure part alone would employ a ton of people (doing manual labor, which would also aid the eventual goal of de-fatting our nation’s populous).

4. Public maintenance would go hand-in-hand with this.  It’s not so bad to drive by a urine-and-shit-stained sidewalk, but walking in it is unacceptable to all but the brave few who live in Times Square.

5. Why’s it got to be about dollars and cents with you people?  The quality and quantity of life would be improved.  What do you have against old people anyhow?  They’re not all Strom Thurmond, fer cryin’ out loud.

And now I’m going to finish my cookie before I take my 20-minute walk to pick up my daughter at daycare :-P


The Most Seductive Cake Ever…

…according to legend is the Rigo Jancsi, named for its creator. I’m not sure what inspired him to put chocolate and apricot preserves together, but you can’t argue with his results. In any case, here’s a recipe, for those of you who are culinarily-inclined (click on the yummy):

Having seen quite a few gypsy fiddlers (as Rigo was reputed to be) around Madrid, I can vouch that this cake must be fucking awesome (and HIGHLY aphrodisiacal) to inspire princesses to fits of passion around them. (I’m kidding, of course. Chicks dig dangerous guys. Period.)


Put That Flaxseed Oil To Use Elsewhere…

Yeehaw, boys!  Turns out frequent ejaculation may prevent prostate cancer.  Who knew those assholes were right all this time, and not having sex might indeed kill them?


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