Palin Became Exactly As Common Sense Would Expect Her To

So I’ve been MIA for a while because of myriad reasons: failing at life/job search, depression, travel to the US, further depression. But, hey, what is life without public journal entries, so I’m trying to get back in the ol’ habit.

The trip to the United States was both an inspiration to write, and an inspiration to never write again due to continued drunkenness. My thoughts on it were too muddled and angry to chronicle at the time, but I may be able to soon. So, yeah, my thoughts on where the US is going, and why I may never go with it, will someday be coming under the tentative title “I’ve Seen The Best Minds Of My Generation Destroyed By Consumerism.” When I’m absolutely sure I can write the entry without the phrase “free verse” entering my internal monologue, tempting me to try to rewrite the un-rewrite-ably brilliant “America,” I’ll do it. In the meantime, I have to make fun of Sarah Palin. No, really, I have to.

Why? Because I’m mean? Kinda. Because she’s a quitter and a chronic no-show disappointment? Maybe. Because Levi Johnston and his family are painting her as a shitty mom, in an article really only worth reading because it cites the son of a meth-dealer as saying Palin doesn’t cook enough (Oh, gods of irony, you are so kind)? Nah.

No, I’m making fun of her religion. That’s right. You heard me. Her religion. (Come ‘n’ get me, religious right!)

Now everyone knows Sister Sarah is a big Jesus pot. Fine. And she’s fundamentalist. Fine again. What was news to me (and, I suppose, to Tina Brown, seeing as she published it and all) was this Third Wave business. As the article states,

According to the Third Wave’s founding father, William Branham, a rural Canadian preacher, Satan had sex with Eve and gave birth to Cain—the so-called “Serpent Seed.” “Through Cain came all the smart, educated people down to the antediluvian flood—the intellectuals, bible colleges,” Branham wrote. “They know all their creeds but know nothing about God.”

The notion that being educated is not only not the most important thing in the world, but is actually the closest to Satan you can get, is inflammatory and horrifying, but, most importantly to me, revelatory. Since her introduction to the nation, Palin has pretty ritualistically shit out her mouth at every opportunity granted her. I figured, though, that a combination of nerves and non-linear thinking could lead to her word salad problem. What puzzled me–seriously, visibly, unceasingly puzzled me–was that she writes exactly how she speaks.

How can that be? How can it be that someone looks at sentences like, “But he endured such ridicule and mocking for his vision for Alaska, remember the adversaries scoffed, calling this “Seward’s Folly”. Seward withstood such disdain as he chose the uncomfortable, unconventional, but RIGHT path to secure Alaska, so Alaska could help secure the United States,” and hits “Print”? How in blazes can someone publish such an unholy mess, when they’re supposed to be an authority figure in public life?

Ah, now I understand. It’s because it is precisely not an unholy mess; it is, in fact, a saintly scramble of wordlings that kindasortayabetcha might could go together. For Jesus.

I have to remember this as I read excerpts from her speech in Hong Kong. Excerpts like these:

Personally, I’ve always been really interested in the ideas, too, about the land bridge. Ideas that maybe so long ago, had allowed Alaska to be physically connected to this part of our world so many years ago.

(IDEAS?!?!?! She thinks someone had the IDEA to shift tectonic plates, and that maybe they should do that again?!?!)

The marketplace didn’t fail. It became exactly as common sense would expect it to.

(I see where she’s going, but I think mocking the way her audience writes manuals for its products won’t win their favor).

and…

So for Alaska, which is the air crossroads of the world, to this prosperous dynamic force in the world, Hong Kong, I bring good tidings, wishes for more blessing and vibrant life and even more freedom.

So I get it now. Sarah Palin’s head is the air crossroads of her ears because Jesus won’t love her otherwise. Gotcha.

As I said, I think this is great. Hilarious also (bonus!), but just generally fantastic. What I’m seeing here is actual evidence that the people I think have no business deciding anything for anyone ever are militantly anti-intellectual. And, while I normally find anti-intellectual sentiment an abomination up with which I shall not put, in this case, I think it’s perfect. Yes, Third Wavers, ignore the old addage that “Knowledge Is Power,” and assume you’ll get by on your Christian fortitude alone. The rest of us will read books, progress, and take your money by all legal (and illegal) means possible. Far be it from me to tell you to rise up and better yourselves if you truly desire a voice in industry or politics.

Oh, and keep Twittering. For larfs. KTHXBAI.

My Beef With Noted Meatsack, Sarah Palin

It takes something really, really crazy to inspire me to put aside my frantic job search and blog again. I guess, for the break, I should thank Sarah Palin. Instead, though, I just find myself getting angrier and angrier with her, almost to the point of irrationality. But then I realized: It’s rational, and it’s explicable, especially in my current situation.

Here’s the deal: I am about to be out of work. As a new mother, I am in the process of conducting a metric ton of interviews, in each of which I am forced to bargain with/promise/reassure employers. As far as we’ve come as a society in terms of equality in the workplace, the simple fact of the matter is the following: It’s much harder to get prospective (or new) employers to hire you if you are a woman with small children. Period.

And then along came Womenomics, which was such a light for me to shine in these dark interviews. Its claims that women make the workplace more efficient and profitable, and that they do so best when allowed to work as women with family as a priority…well, I can’t say how often I run those statistics over and over in my head while trying to convince employers that flex time is worthwhile.

But now Sarah Palin comes and fucks it up. Why? Because she is the absolute personification of every single bad stereotype about women, and working women, that exists. Let’s run down the list:

1. She’s vain
This one’s a big no-brainer (we’ll to that quality soon, ne’er you fear). A former beauty queen, this chick is the perfect picture of a narcissist. If you need more proof, check out her family photos, in which she always looks radiant, but her very pretty young daughters look alternately pregnant (before Bristol was) or otherwise…well, not so pretty.

2. She’s dumb
She’s so goddamned resistant to learning, this one, it veritably oozes from her pores. Her complete and utter lack of any sort of ability to assimilate information, along with her vocal insistence she shouldn’t have to (since she’s pretty…see above), is perhaps the quality most infuriating to smart women, and most reassuring to sexist fuckwits (hey, Sean Hannity!).

3. She’s emotional
Dear God, has there ever been a woman in public life who made such an emotional issue out of every perceived slight? I certainly can’t remember any public woman so vindictive and petty. To add to the stereotype, she staunchly refuses to use logical arguments against her enemies, preferring instead to snark at them in true Mean Girl fashion (i.e. “Hey, John Kerry, why the long face?” “We should keep Piper away from Letterman.” etc.). The inevitable tooth-sucking savoring-every-minute face she makes after each catty remark is one I haven’t personally witnessed since high school.

4. Private Life = Professional Life
No, I’m not just referring to her constantly trotting out her children as props (see point #1), although that doesn’t help. What I really mean is that, according to virtually all accounts, this woman doesn’t have a professional life apart from her husband and her buddies from high school. Todd attends Gubernatorial meetings and acts as her top advisor, which would be kind of romantic and cute were there anyone else involved in her decision-making. But, it seems like the buck stops with him, which leads me also to…

5. She can’t think for herself
Oh, sure, she can read a well-written speech, but, apart from a script, Palin always defers to someone else’s judgment on everything. Especially her husband’s. Which is just disgusting.

6. She’s impulsive
After the whole debacle with her accepting-then-cancelling-then-reaccepting-then-cancelling at the RNCC dinner, I hoped to God someone would pull her aside and alert her to the fact that she was acting like the worst kind of flighty schoolgirl. Instead of taking the myriad talking heads’ advice that she should just do her job reliably and well for a while, she…well, she opted to up and quit. Publicly. With no explanation. Then threatens to sue anyone who talks about it. *sigh*

In short: She is absolutely the worst version of anything with a vagina. The end.

Sarah Palin Secretly Thinks Jokes About Molesting Willow Are Teh Funneh

‘Kay, so anyone who’s not up on the Palin-Letterman feud, buckle in, cause I got a lot to say about it. Here’s what happened:

The Palins visited NYC, and attend a Yankees game with Giul911ani. Letterman, to paraphrase, said the following about their trip:

1. The best part was that they got to go to Bloomingdale’s to update Sarah’s “slutty flight attendant” look.
2. The worst part was keeping their daughter away from Eliot Spitzer.
3. The most surprising part was when their daughter got knocked up by A-Rod during the 7th inning stretch.

The Palins got livid, and released the following statements:

“Any ‘jokes’ about raping my 14-year-old are despicable. Alaskans know it and I believe the rest of the world knows it, too.”

- Todd Palin

“Concerning Letterman’s comments about my young daughter (and I doubt he’d ever dare make such comments about anyone else’s daughter): ‘Laughter incited by sexually-perverted comments made by a 62-year-old male celebrity aimed at a 14-year-old girl is not only disgusting, but it reminds us some Hollywood/NY entertainers have a long way to go in understanding what the rest of America understands – that acceptance of inappropriate sexual comments about an underage girl, who could be anyone’s daughter, contributes to the atrociously high rate of sexual exploitation of minors by older men who use and abuse others.’”

- Governor Sarah Palin

First thing’s first. Read that statement given by Sarah Palin again. Sweet weeping Jayzus on a popsicle stick, have you ever SEEN so much punctuation trying to reign in a pointless ramble (aside from here)?!?! The unnecessary parenthetical, followed by a colon followed by her quoting herself within her own statement. Of course, there’s then the dash, the repetition and artless nature of her speech…the whole thing is seriously mindblowing. It reads like someone who not only doesn’t speak English well, but just doesn’t understand the nature of language and communication (i.e. that it should convey to someone else your interior monologue, rather than just reflect it directly). Now, I ramble. I know this. But in official capacities, I tend to err on the side of brevity if I want to be taken seriously. I mean, really. An elected official sat down to write an official statement, and this is what she came up with. Let me edit this fer ya, elite that I am: “Any time a member of the bi-coastal elites uses his or her celebrity to make light of the tragic molestation and sexual exploitation of minors in this country, I take serious offense, but never more so than when the victim of the satire is my own young daughter, who merely wanted to see New York, not enter the political arena. Mr. Letterman should be ashamed of himself.” KTHXBAI.

Anyway, given Sarah Palin’s total lack of understanding of the basics of communication, even with her precious journalism degree, I am starting my own “birthers” movement, postulating that Sarah Palin was born a turtle, and is therefore ineligible to be Governor of Alaska. Run with it, kiddos!

So, anyway, in true Letterman form, he spent 7 minutes smacking them down, claiming the jokes were about Bristol, saying they were tasteless, and driving home the point they were jokes. To which the Palins followed up yet again, with Todd issuing another terse, simple, but to-the-point statement, saying that, since their 14-year-old was the only daughter on the trip with them, they’d assumed the jokes to be at her expense (truth be told, so did I).

Sarah, no longer to be trusted around the writing bit, responded via Meg Stapleton, Sarah’s spokesperson:

“The Palins have no intention of providing a ratings boost for David Letterman by appearing on his show,” Stapelton said in an email to ABC News. “Plus, it would be wise to keep Willow away from David Letterman.”

So jokes about Willow getting molested really are hilarious. But only when her parents do it. *shudder*

Name Palin’s Memoirs!

America’s being given a new favorite parlor game, since Sarah Palin has finally announced the inevitable multimillion-dollar book deal. Just when I had finished my initial thought (“Does anyone actually not know put near everything about her life?”), gotten over a giggling fit while thinking the dire job ahead for the ghost writer, and overcome my disgust at her insistence that she write about her poor kids and new grandchild, I came across this shiny gem of a quotation at the bottom of the article:

Two years ago, Palin told PBS’ Charlie Rose that her favorite writers were C.S. Lewis (“very, very deep”) and a Runner’s World columnist, Dr. George Sheehan.

BWAH!

“Being a voracious reader, I read a lot today and have read a lot growing up. And having that journalism degree, all of that, will be a great assistance for me in writing this book, talking about the challenges and the joys, balancing the work and parenting, and, in my case, work means running the state,” Palin said.

BWAHahahahahaha!!!!!

Since I’m feeling like an elitist anyway, I’m calling for a time-wasting elitist-type thing to do, one birthed by the fecund commenters’ minds over at Wonkette: Name Sarah Palin’s Memoirs! My initial thoughts are as follows:

1. “Dashing Great Expectations”
2. “Winked the Beloved Cuntily”
3. “The Sarah Palin Lessonbook for Kids Who Want to Read Good and Want To Do Other Stuff Good Also Also Also.”

If only “Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail” weren’t already taken. And “Naked Lunch” would only cover how she got the Veep pick.

Also.

Note To Greta Van Susteren: Todd Palin Is Just Not That Into You

Oh dear, Greta, this just won’t end well. We all saw what a giggling schoolgirl you were around Todd Palin when you interviewed him during the campaign. And as badly as I know you want to jump him, and as much as being permitted to squire him about D.C. lately seems like a good portent, I gotta do a widdle reality check. You look like this:

Your competition looks like this:

Sorry, kiddo. This one likes pretty chicks.

Not-Joe Not-A-Plumber Not A Republican Either

Who knew he’d be so fickle?

Time magazine is reporting Joe (not his name) the Plumber (not his game) is quitting that GOP bitch since they won’t keep ridiculing the big-gubment-luvin’, volcano-monitoring, child-feeding hippies for their crazy economy stimulatin’ and book learnin’ and what not.

Big Government is never popular in theory, but the disaster aid, school lunches and prescription drugs that make up Big Government have become wildly popular in practice, especially now that so many people are hurting. Samuel Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber, tells TIME he’s so outraged by GOP overspending, he’s quitting the party — and he’s the bull’s-eye of its target audience. But he also said he wouldn’t support any cuts in defense, Social Security, Medicare or Medicaid — which, along with debt payments, would put more than two-thirds of the budget off limits. It’s no coincidence that many Republicans who voted against the stimulus have claimed credit for stimulus projects in their district — or that Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal stopped ridiculing volcano-monitoring programs after a volcano erupted in Alaska. “We can’t be the antigovernment party,” Snowe says. “That’s not what people want.”

Quite a week for the GOP. Specter’s opportunistic streak takes over, Cantor can’t stand up to Rush, Steele is still embarrassing, Alan Keyes is still alive and speaking, and now their mascot’s gone all squirrely. Maybe it’ll get better next week (Crist getting caught tonguing Boehner, perhaps?).

Save Michele Bachmann!

Nonononono!!!!

Elwyn Tinklenberg is going to run against Michele Bachmann again! For those who don’t remember, he barely lost to her last time, probably because she had only just said one totally insane thing at the time of the election. Given the veritable cavalcade of horse diarrhea that has emanated from her gaping maw since then, this guy may well take her public forum away from her in 2010.

But, no! What do you have to offer to the humor addicts of the United States, Elwyn Tinklenburg? Your name? Sure, it’s hilarious, but it’s kind of one-note. What kind of daily hilarious and public fuckups are YOU willing to make, man???

Next thing you know, Alan Keyes will be run over by a bus, Sarah Palin will be relegated to housewifery, and the world will never laugh again.

Everyone H8s Palin: Mitt Romney Edition

In an interview with John King (people still do those?), both Eric Cantor and Mitt Romney were asked about the paucity of Republicans in the recent Time magazine list of 100 Most Influential People:

KING: As you launch this effort, anyone who picks up Time magazine this week and sees the 100 most influential people, will see two Republicans in that magazine. They’ll see Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh. Is that helpful, hurtful, indifferent?

…(Editor’s note: Has anyone ever given a shit about what Cantor says?)

ROMNEY: John, I’d like to have a lot more influential Republicans. I think there are a lot more influential Republicans than that would suggest. But was that the issue on the most beautiful people or the most influential people? I’m not sure. If it’s the most beautiful, I understand. We’re not real cute.

Oh, Mittens, you’re plenty cute. That answer, for example, was fucking adorable.

Rick Perry Is Obviously A Secret Liberal , Wants Texas To Secede Also

Gawd, Rick Perry, you are seriously amazing. Here I thought you were a die hard conservative, but then I read your diatribe against the government intrusion on our personal lives:

I believe that our federal government has become oppressive in its size, its intrusion into the lives of our citizens…

Which is, of course, why you support gay marriage and hate wire-tapping, right?

So then you start in on why Texas should secede, which the most extreme of liberals have been craving since the Bush legacy began.

[After a teabagging rally, while] answering news reporters’ questions, Perry suggested Texans might at some point get so fed up they would want to secede from the union, though he said he sees no reason why Texas should do that.

“There’s a lot of different scenarios,” Perry said. “We’ve got a great union. There’s absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what might come out of that. But Texas is a very unique place, and we’re a pretty independent lot to boot.”

What next, Governor Perry? Are you going to start opining that Trig Palin is not actually Sarah Palin’s son? Maybe team up with Dennis Kucinich to try to retroactively impeach Bush and Cheney? Lunch with Bernie Saunders?

Gotta say, though, for once that every-present Bushian response to dissent (“Why do you hate America?”) seems aptly applied.

McCain Not-So-Secretly H8s Palin: Part Kajillion

The latest evidence? He left her name off the list of governors he thought would be great leaders of the Republican partay. And now her supporters (aptly named “TeamSarah” a la Brangelina fanatics) are saying the old man’s an asshole, and not just…well, old.

Thank God for Sarah Palin and her completely idiotic ways of garnering attention. Flight of the Conchords is still between seasons; without her, I’d be lost.