We Get It: Rachel’s Not Getting Married

Awright, this isn’t the kind of blog I usually write, nor one I particularly want to write, but I think someone has to say it:

That’s enough, Jennifer Aniston.

You got dumped a while back.  For a smokin’ hottie with a heart of gold, a litter of kids, and a drawer full of sex toys.  I know, I know, how were you supposed to compete?

And now all anyone ever asks about/talks about/writes about is how you’re DYING to have a man and a baby of your very own.  You claim it’s unfair, and I feel you on that.  It’s got to suck to be unable to leave the house alone ever, lest the photogs catch you for that week’s installment of “Brangie and Family Frolic in the Sun; The Jen Stands Alone”.  So, yeah, I felt bad for you in that sense.

Plus, you seem nice enough.  You’re certainly a master of appealing to most American women in that middle-of-the-road non-threatening way I find simultaneously odious and fascinating.  So you’ve got that going for you.

But, come ON, now. You’re following up The Breakup and He’s Just Not That Into You with Baster???

Doing one of these would be funny and ironic, taking the piss out of those who thatsenoughjohnmayerclaim you’re a sad sack old maid. Two would mean your agent kind of hates you. But a movie about artificial insemination hot on the heels of your 40th birthday, when you’ve just been making the rounds saying you’re definitely not feeling the heat to have children, but are open to it someday? Really?

Now it all fits, though. You’re dating a well-known whore of a man-child whose sole purpose has to be to break your heart publicly (Why else would anyone go out with that douche? It ain’t musical talent, I’ll tell you that). And now you’re feeding the headlines you claim to hate, all so you can do more interviews about how sad you still aren’t, bask in female compassion, and spark yet more heated discussions on Jezebel about ZOMG how unfair it is that womyn in today’s society are only defined by who’s going or coming out of our vaginas!!1! (I’m paraphrasing, but that’s the gist)

So, yeah, I’m onto you. I get that a whole nation’s outpouring of sympathy has got to be almost narcotic. But it’s time to stop. It’s getting pathetic, this constant seeking-while-refusing said sympathy. There are actual miserable people in the world (I think your ex has either met or adopted most of them–bahZING!! I’ll be here all week! Try the veal!).


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