Archive for March, 2009

27
Mar
09

What Can Brown Do For You? Boycott O’Reilly!

Hey, lookie here! Liberal panty-waisted online nerds have done something!!!

(From Think Progress)

Today UPS announced it will stop advertising on O’Reilly’s show. Here is the statement UPS emailed out just moments ago:

“Thank you for sending an e-mail expressing concern about UPS advertising during the Bill O’Reilly show on FOX News. We do consider such comments as we review ad placement decisions which involve a variety of news, entertainment and sports programming. At this time, we have no plans to continue advertising during this show.”

Have these guys at Think Progress stopped to think about what an evil narcissistic paranoid sociopath like Bill O’Reilly will do with his free time (and love of stalking prey) if his show gets canceled? Sleep lightly, my friends…

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27
Mar
09

Sarah Palin Mean-Girls McCain Staffers When It’s Time To Pray. Just Like Jesus Would.

Hurray! The comedy gods have heard my pleas for more hilarity, and have responded with a veritable onslaught of stupid remarks/ideas by the functionally retarded part of the GOP base.

First, there was Michele Bachmann, who proposed a bill to ensure nobody ever even thinks about changing our beloved currency to Esperan-dough or whatever. Because she’s crazy AND too stupid to know that the international reserve’s currency is not the currency we exchange for goods and services. Yay!

This, however, is much more delicious to those of us who’ve actually read the Bible. Über Christian, Sarah Palin, just said the following about the backstage DRAMA before the V.P. debate:

“So I’m looking around for somebody to pray with, I just need maybe a little help, maybe a little extra,” she said of the moments before the debate. “And the McCain campaign, love ’em, you know, they’re a lot of people around me, but nobody I could find that I wanted to hold hands with and pray.”

Lepers? Sure. Prostitutes? Absolutely. People who may not realize what a GODDAMNED SUPERSTAR they’re dealing with??? That’s where Jesus would draw the line too.

27
Mar
09

Prince Cold Serves AIG And Banks

I like to think this is what the Obamas’ internal monologue sounds like:

26
Mar
09

The Octuplets Have A Shitty Mom. Also, Sun Rises.

Call this the shock heard round the world: One of Nadya Suleman’s fired volunteer nannies is speaking out (I know, I know, how do you fire volunteers, right?), and she’s pulling no goddamned punches.

“This woman does not care for these kids,” Linda West-Conforti said on the talk show. “She is in [it] for the paparazzi, the media…Nadya only fed her babies … when a film crew was in her house,” West-Conforti said. “That’s the only time that woman ever volunteered to feed a child. And I tell you what happened: During one episode she was done feeding … she picked up the child [and] gave it to me on my chest. She didn’t burp it; she didn’t change the diaper; [she] walked out of that room and [didn’t see] her for another 12 hours.”

Now there are a lot of reasons this doesn’t surprise me. Who, after all, but a narcissist would so purposefully have so many children while being totally unsure of how to provide for them (and deprive her parents of a retirement in the process)? The main reason, though, is the following: It almost always holds that people who proclaim themselves to be expertly adept about something are, in fact, really awful at it.

Have you ever met a self-proclaimed pool shark who doesn’t scratch on the 8? A “ladies’ man” who doesn’t go home alone? An expert in French who doesn’t freeze up when the Metro attendant asks them how many tickets they’d like?

I suppose I’ve grown hyper-sensitive to it, since, being a liberal and all, I get accosted by womyn all the time. No, not “women”…womyn. They are constantly telling me what great feminists they are, and what a horrible example of a female human I am. I’ve been told what I should read, watch, listen to, and think about things on many, many occasions. While infuriating in its antithetical nature, I’ve gotten to the point where it makes me laugh. Especially because, almost invariably, these pillars of the feminist community are completely under the thumbs of some man somewhere, or, worse yet, are hoping to be. “I can’t believe you would say you think that model’s too fat for the runway! She’s got womanly curves, and she’s rightfully proud! Now excuse me while I go scope my Women’s Studies class for a sensitive man who’ll support me the rest of my life.”

Which brings me back to parenting. I have no doubt that, were I in the United States, I would be getting a lot more schooling than I do now, and I receive plenty via the phone/internet. What I’ve found, unsurprisingly, is that those who are the most adamant about their advice being the way to go are the ones who are least capable of doling it out. I suppose it’s a defense mechanism; confronted by their own lack of knowledge about something so fundamental and important, they overcompensate by trying to assert that they really know everything there is about it.

So, yeah, OctoMom, OctoPussy, Crazy Baby Lady, whatever you want to call her…the minute I read her quoted as saying this: “Everything I do, I’ll stop my life for them and be present with them. And hold them. And be with them. And how many parents do that? I’m sure there are many that do, but many don’t. And that’s unfortunate. That is selfish.” Yeah, that just REEKS of bullshit.

Speaking of which, I have to go report to two self-proclaimed genius physicists about their self-proclaimed groundbreaking research skills.

26
Mar
09

Oh, Michael Steele, You Simply Must Run For President!

This week has been kind of no fun, newswise. Sure, there’s lots of depressing news, enraging news, and outright disgusting news. But where’s the whimsy? The joie de vivre? The silly little giggle-inducers? Man, even Maureen Dowd (always good for a larf) took yesterday off. So, seeing this last night was like an oasis in the midst of an unsnarkable desert: Michael Steele Open To Running For President.

Oh, please, please, pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease let this happen! I don’t ask for much, dear Republican party (unlike fellow bleeding hearts, I wish you no harm or exile), but now I’m pleading with you to nominate this clown to run against Obama! This isn’t just a matter of politics; it’s a matter of good health.

Laughter…may help protect you against a heart attack, according to a recent study by cardiologists at the University of Maryland Medical Center in Baltimore.

See? And, true to the study, reading Steele’s account of his recent dust-up with Rush Limbaugh made my heart happy:

“I’m very introspective about things. I’m a cause-and-effect kind of guy. So if I do something, there’s a reason for it… It may look like a mistake, a gaffe. There is a rationale, there is a logic behind it,” he said. “I want to see what the landscape looks like. I want to see who yells the loudest. I want to know who says they’re with me but really isn’t.”

“It helps me understand my position on the chess board. It helps me understand, where, you know, the enemy camp is and where those who are inside the tent are,” Steele added. “It’s all strategic.”

So, his willingness to pucker-up-and-plant-it-there on Rush’s nether-regions? All part of his grand plan to grace us with his presence forever! Huzzah!!!

26
Mar
09

Name America’s New Hoovervilles!

Yup, shantytowns are all the rage across the country, since “losers” don’t like paying their own mortgages (right, Santelli?).

But what shall we name them? Unlike Hoovervilles, we have a much more…erm, connotate-able name we’re dealing with. We can’t, for example, very well go around complaining about the “Bush Village” around the corner, or we’ll risk sounding like we’re complaining about an apartment complex for singles. So, what then? “Bush-ville” is too derivative; “Bush-field” too agricultural.

26
Mar
09

Can We All Just Settle Down About Teleprompters Already?

OK, I think it’s time to join hands across America and declare this whole teleprompter business to be the nonsense it is. Both sides are overreacting, and both sides are kind of right. Is it odd to see a president bring a teleprompter to a press conference? Sure. Is it necessarily a bad thing to point out that it shows his “careful” nature? No.

Granted, the mouth-breathing wing of the Republican party equates caution with mincing about in a leopard thong, but who cares? They are an increasingly marginalized minority for a reason: Their way doesn’t work. Meanwhile, the rest of us can be relieved that we no longer have a president who is just as incautious with his language as he was with the country. Lest we forget:

And…