Archive for April, 2009

29
Apr
09

Glenn Beck, You Swine

I. Am. Nostradamus.

When this whole Swine Flu thing broke, I turned to my husband and said, “Wouldn’t it be hilarious and awful if people like Lou Dobbs said we only caught it here because of illegal Mexican immigrants? Hahahaha.” Well, I was wrong about Lou Dobbs spreading the word, but it’s certainly out there:

“Illegal aliens are bringing in a deadly new flue strain. Make no mistake about it,” blares Michael Savage.

“I’ve blogged for years about the spread of contagious diseases from around the world into the US as a result of uncontrolled immigration,” writes Michelle Malkin.

“What happens if there’s a rash of deaths in Mexico… and if you’re a family in Mexico and people are dying and Americans are not, why wouldn’t you flood this border?” announces Glenn Beck.

These loud mouths are also trying to convince their audiences that Islamic terrorists have somehow been able to do what has eluded scientists elsewhere in the world — concoct a deadly new flu virus — and then introduce it into the Mexican population.

“What better way to sneak a virus into this country than to give it to Mexicans….then spread a rumor there there are construction jobs here, and there they come,” blathers [Neal] Boortz.

Savage — “make no mistake about it” — believes that radical Islamic countries planted the virus in Mexico knowing that humans make the “perfect mules for bringing the strain into America.”

Let’s look at this ridiculous hate-mongering: It’s blatantly wrong, overtly racist, and absolutely tone-deaf. That’s right, it’s a ConservaYAHTZEE!

It’s one thing to use this pandemic for selfish purposes. Hell, the media’s doing the same thing, calling it a “killer virus” (has anyone who’s been treated not gotten better?) that’s run amok (it’s a ratings BONANZA!). Using it, however, to divide a country that is actively trying to unite…well, that’s a specialty only of today’s GOP.

It’s a big tent, motherfucker.

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29
Apr
09

Michele Bachmann Knows You Need A Laugh Today. Here Ya Go!


Gawd, how I love when someone interviews this woman. From Pajamas TV*:

*Is that the best she could do?

“I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president Jimmy Carter. And I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.”

Does she also find it interesting that that’s totally famously completely untrue? That Ford booted the response to said outbreak, lost the election maybe kinda sorta because of that, and THEN Carter was POTUS?

Prolly not.

28
Apr
09

Secret Communist Arlen Specter Gives Dems Their Supermajority

Breaking news here from the NY Times:

Senator Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania said on Tuesday he would switch to the Democratic party, presenting Democrats with a possible 60th vote and the power to break Senate filibusters as they try to advance the Obama administration’s new agenda…
Mr. Specter faced a primary challenge from former Republican Congressman Pat Toomey and polls showed him trailing Mr. Toomey. But he had previously resisted overtures to join the Democrats.

‘Atta boy, Senator.

So let’s sum up the GOP’s week so far, shall we?

1. Texas Governor Rick Perry talks about secession in the name of getting the Feds off his lawn.
2. Said Governor pleads for help with the Swine Flu outbreak.
3. Just as torture and its prosecution were becoming divisive and foremost in Americans’ minds, said outbreak puts health care back into the public consciousness, as well as how much the Feds help in times of crisis.
4. In said times of crisis, Americans pull together…except Rush Limbaugh, who tries to link Obama’s trip to Mexico with the outbreak.
5. After trying to bully the last of their Mohicans up in the Northeast, he defects, giving Dems the right to do whatever the fuck they want in the Senate.

Is this proof there’s a God? And that he hates Republicans?

28
Apr
09

4Chan Pwns Time

First, these guys infiltrate beloved institutions like “America’s Next Top Model”, and now this? What next? Hacking into a Disney site and making Mickey do things to Goofy that are illegal in 48 states (like get married)???

To tell the truth, I’m a bit ambivalent about what 4chan’s many, many minions have done to Time’s new poll on “The Most Influential People In The World”. On the one hand, it’s a stupid poll set up by an obsolete news source (which is, in the words of Jon Stewart, for people who like USA Today but wish it were shinier), so it might as well be these guys that fuck with it as Colbert fans. Plus, the reference to “marble cake” made me spit coffee onto my keyboard.

On the other, ol’ Chris Poole disseminating his influence into mainstream channels can only help our poor aging population come to grips with the fact that they don’t matter anymore. Come on, moot, they have so little left already (teeth, bladder control, calcium, naturally-occurring erections).

Side note: Li’l Wayne was in the running?

28
Apr
09

The Times’ New Human Dildo Wants Presi-Dick Cheney

Having spectacularly canned über-douche Bill Kristol, the New York Times sought a new token conservative columnist for their Op-Ed section (David Brooks doesn’t count, since he’s a known communist for not liking Sarah Palin). But they were left with a dilemma: Would they be able to find someone as TOTALLY misguided as their previous “lightning rod” conservative commentator? God knows if it’ll last, but newbie Russ Douthat is sure as shit gonna give it a go!

His new column, entitled “Cheney For President,” is full of the kind of reasoning that made Bill Kristol famous (i.e. it bears as much resemblance to real reason as Kool Aid does to real fruit).

Watching Dick Cheney defend the Bush administration’s interrogation policies, it’s been hard to escape the impression that both the Republican Party and the country would be better off today if Cheney, rather than John McCain, had been a candidate for president in 2008.

OK, so now we know Mr. Douthat is (a) batshit crazy, and (b) has a special kind of blindness that is totally unable to see poll numbers.

As a candidate, Cheney would have doubtless been as disciplined and ideologically consistent as McCain was feckless. In debates with Barack Obama, he would have been as cuttingly effective as he was in his encounters with Joe Lieberman and John Edwards in 2000 and 2004 respectively. And when he went down to a landslide loss, the conservative movement might – might! – have been jolted into the kind of rethinking that’s necessary if it hopes to regain power.

Ah, I see. So here’s a guy who’s going to make the common-sensical Republican argument: that the wrong conclusion has been drawn by their members after McCain’s loss. They need to go more center to be more inclusive, rather than further right, which is shrinking their base. Got it.

If a Cheney defeat could have been good for the Republican Party; a Cheney campaign could have been good for the country.

Wait, wha-huh?

The former vice-president’s post-election attacks on Obama are bad form, of course, under the peculiar rules of Washington politesse. But they’re part of an argument about the means and ends of our interrogation policy that should have happened during the general election and didn’t – because McCain wasn’t a supporter of the Bush-era approach, and Obama didn’t see a percentage in harping on the topic.

Wait, how the fuck did torture enter into this argument. Is it because it is, in and of itself, such tortured logic? Is it because it is torture to read? What the hell is going on here???

But better if this debate had happened during the campaign season. And better, perhaps, if Cheney himself had been there to have it out.

That’s your summation? But that doesn’t explain it at all! What the hell are you talking about???

I need a cookie.

26
Apr
09

Pam Anderson Loses Her Finest Skewerer: RIP Bea Arthur

Aww, now this I hate.

Bea Arthur just died at 86.

The world needs more funny and ballsy broads, not fewer. Exhibit A:

May she find some good reading wherever she is.

UPDATE: The above link isn’t working anymore. You can watch it here, although I can’t embed it (Comedy Central is run by fascists).

24
Apr
09

Has Fat Dickless Slob Larry Summers Ever Done Anything Good Ever In His Fat Dickless Life?

I’ve had it with this asshat being part of Obama’s cabinet. He may indeed be the smartest guy ever in the history of mankind, but he is a worldclass asshole, virtually unparalleled within either party.

As we all know, he touts as one of his bonafides his previous post as president of Harvard. Till he said girls are stupid and can’t do math and was forced to leave.

He then went on to head up the World Bank during our last worstest recession (1991).

He was also with Big Bubba Clinton for a stint as Treasury Secretary during which he enacted the policy perhaps most singularly responsible for our current meltdown.

And now he’s busy tarnishing our poor Princess Sparkle Pony’s cabinet. He goes on talk shows and enrages the living shit out of people by claiming the notorious AIG bonuses are lost forever. Once that fury dies down, he goes with Obama to a crucial meeting with the credit card companies, during which they’re supposed to be telling them to stop being such usurious pricks. And falls asleep.

Can we just team him up with the other most-hateable Clintonite (good ol’ Dick Morris) to go fight crime under the names “Toe-Sucker and the Douche”?