Archive for May 12th, 2009

12
May
09

Trouser Snake Meets Toilet Snake. Result: Pain.

Oh God, oh God, oh GodohgodohgodohmyfuckingGAWD!!!!

A Taiwanese man became a sitting target for a snake, which bit his penis as sat on the toilet.

GAH!

“As soon as he sat down, he suddenly felt a knife-like pain and reacted instinctively by standing up,” the China Times said.

Double GAH!!!!

“When he looked down, he saw the big snake.”

🙂

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12
May
09

Note To Greta Van Susteren: Todd Palin Is Just Not That Into You

Oh dear, Greta, this just won’t end well. We all saw what a giggling schoolgirl you were around Todd Palin when you interviewed him during the campaign. And as badly as I know you want to jump him, and as much as being permitted to squire him about D.C. lately seems like a good portent, I gotta do a widdle reality check. You look like this:

Your competition looks like this:

Sorry, kiddo. This one likes pretty chicks.

12
May
09

Pollster Geeks Try To Quell PUMA Rage, Will Inevitably Fail

It had to happen: The revelation that John Edwards’ campaign was always going to be an epic failure (whether the voters wanted it that way or not) had prompted pus-weeping swamp toad, Mark Penn, to speculate that, had Edwards been honorable and dropped out before Iowa, Hillary would be POTUS and Obama would be back washing dishes “where he belongs” in Chicago. Of course, he’s ignoring the fact that, had Edwards been honorable about anything ever in his rotten life, he probably wouldn’t have fucked around on his dying wife, then made her parade around saying what a great guy he is. But I digress.

So, anyway, it looks like that set the pollsters to work, and they’ve concluded many, many things, all of which point to Hillary never having a chance against Obama with or without Edwards. Specifically, in Iowa, a state Mark Penn swears up and down Hillary would have won without Edwards’ name on the ballot:

The Des Moines Register’s Iowa Poll, taken in the closing days of the caucus campaign, showed that in fact Obama was the second choice of more Edwards supporters than Clinton was. The numbers? Among Edwards’ supporters, 41 percent said Obama was their second choice, compared to 25 percent who said Clinton was their second choice.

Sorry, Penn and PUMAs everywhere, but there it is in black and white: God hates ugly. The end.

12
May
09

Michael Steele Loves Beauty Pageants, Hates Homos

Noted hilarious idiot, RNC Chairman Michael Steele, just said this crazy thing Friday, so that the other crazy things he says most other days wouldn’t get lonely:

“What was so outstanding about Miss California, let’s do a little parallel… This is what an empathetic judge looks like,” Steele said of celeb-blogger Perez Hilton. “The empathetic judge in this case, the judge of the bsteeleeauty pageant, asked this woman a question and instead of taking her answer at face value, he was empathetic to a particular community and he thought her answer should be favorably disposed towards that particular community. And as a consequence she answered a different way. She answered honestly. She answered based on the facts of her situation, the facts of her upbringing, the facts of this country, which by and large sides with her.”

“To even get off on this tangent of asking her a socially controversial question and then getting ticked off because you don’t like her answer. Then what the heck did you ask the question for? Just because she is Miss California you presume she is going to have a left-of-center answer on gay marriage? Come on. This is the slippery slope this nation is putting itself on and I’m telling you folks to stop it. Don’t go there.”

First of all, you’re supposed to ask socially controversial questions during a competition based around poise. Asking some dumb bitch if she likes applesauce ain’t gonna cut it.

Secondly, I hate to break it to Mr. Steele, but…ahem…you’re empathizing with said dumb bitch. Yes, YOU are, in fact, evincing the very quality you find so abhorrent in a judge.

Lastly, though, I need to thank Michael Steele for reminding me that we all have dreams. I, for one, would rather be swimming naked in a sawbuck sea for the rest of my life. But I can’t begrudge the man his.