Archive for May 13th, 2009

13
May
09

Cheerios Are Officially A Drug

What I’ve always suspected turns out to be true, according to the FDA: Cheerios is classified as a drug. Of course they are. Just look what the kids do for them:

Citing a clinical study, the product labels also claim that eating two servings a day of Cheerios helps to reduce bad cholesterol when eaten as part of a diet low in saturated fat and cholesterol, the FDA letter says.

Those claims indicate that Cheerios — said by General Mills to be the best-selling cereal in the United States — is intended to be used to lower cholesterol and prevent, lessen or treat the disease hypercholesterolemia, and to treat and prevent coronary heart disease.

“Because of these intended uses, the product is a drug,” the FDA concluded in its letter.

As a relatively new mom, I’d already figured this out. My child, born and womb-bred in Spain, has no interest in Cheerios, while her cousins go batshit nuts if they’re out. There can be only one explanation: The addiction was formed in the womb. Mom ate ’em, baby’s addicted. It works. Just ask crackheads.

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13
May
09

Name Palin’s Memoirs!


America’s being given a new favorite parlor game, since Sarah Palin has finally announced the inevitable multimillion-dollar book deal. Just when I had finished my initial thought (“Does anyone actually not know put near everything about her life?”), gotten over a giggling fit while thinking the dire job ahead for the ghost writer, and overcome my disgust at her insistence that she write about her poor kids and new grandchild, I came across this shiny gem of a quotation at the bottom of the article:

Two years ago, Palin told PBS’ Charlie Rose that her favorite writers were C.S. Lewis (“very, very deep”) and a Runner’s World columnist, Dr. George Sheehan.

BWAH!

“Being a voracious reader, I read a lot today and have read a lot growing up. And having that journalism degree, all of that, will be a great assistance for me in writing this book, talking about the challenges and the joys, balancing the work and parenting, and, in my case, work means running the state,” Palin said.

BWAHahahahahaha!!!!!

Since I’m feeling like an elitist anyway, I’m calling for a time-wasting elitist-type thing to do, one birthed by the fecund commenters’ minds over at Wonkette: Name Sarah Palin’s Memoirs! My initial thoughts are as follows:

1. “Dashing Great Expectations”
2. “Winked the Beloved Cuntily”
3. “The Sarah Palin Lessonbook for Kids Who Want to Read Good and Want To Do Other Stuff Good Also Also Also.”

If only “Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail” weren’t already taken. And “Naked Lunch” would only cover how she got the Veep pick.

Also.