Archive for May 17th, 2009


Onward, Christian Soldier: Rumsfeld’s Super-Creepy Stash Of Jesus-Lovin’ War Porn Released

It was reported a few days ago that Robert Draper at GQ had gotten hold of some memos that Rumsfeld used to hand every morning to Bush. The real news was that they were basically propogandic pictures, headlined with biblical quotations, all geared towards keeping the Idiot-Man-Child-In-Chief happy about how duckily goeth the War on Terror.

Well, the article’s dropped. And the memos? Creepier than I’d thought. Case in point:


On the morning of Thursday, April 10, 2003, Donald Rumsfeld’s Pentagon prepared a top-secret briefing for George W. Bush…

On this particular morning, [the cover] showed the statue of Saddam Hussein being pulled down in Firdos Square, a grateful Iraqi child kissing an American soldier, and jubilant crowds thronging the streets of newly liberated Baghdad. And above these images, and just below the headline secretary of defense, was a quote that may have raised some eyebrows. It came from the Bible, from the book of Psalms: “Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him…To deliver their soul from death.”

This mixing of Crusades-like messaging with war imagery, which until now has not been revealed, had become routine. On March 31, a U.S. tank roared through the desert beneath a quote from Ephesians: “Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.” On April 7, Saddam Hussein struck a dictatorial pose, under this passage from the First Epistle of Peter: “It is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men.”

After my initial vomiting in my own mouth, I must admit…this made me laugh. Because of a blind item I recently read:

Which Sexiest Man Alive got double-teamed by a porn star and a dominatrix? Back in 2004, a dominatrix at New York club enlisted the porn star’s help in humiliating her mostly-straight client…who was kneeling down on the floor naked. The porn star recognized him immediately: “He had a muscular build and looked quite young… The dude peers up at me from the mat. I more than recognize the dude. I had seen him in countless big screen movies over the last few years. (He was also in People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive Issue 2003. Not the cover model, though). Jesus loves me! I can’t believe I get to fuck this guy. What the fuck?! I can’t believe this guy is into such a heavy scene! The second my dick enters him, he arches his back and he starts singing at the top of his lungs, “Onward Christian Soldier”.

Was Rumsfeld or Bush ever Sexiest Man Alive?


Michael Steele Hearts Universal Health Care, Still Hates Homos

Michael Steele, I hope hope hope hopehopehope you keep this RNC Chairman gig. Really. Not only are you comically bad at your job, but you’re hilarious while you’re being comically bad at your job. Humor bonuses all around!

How is Michael Steele being an epic failure yet AGAIN today? Why, by decrying gay marriage as being bad for small businesses.

Republicans can reach a broader base by recasting gay marriage as an issue that could dent pocketbooks as small businesses spend more on health care and other benefits, GOP Chairman Michael Steele said Saturday.

“Now all of a sudden I’ve got someone who wasn’t a spouse before, that I had no responsibility for, who is now getting claimed as a spouse that I now have financial responsibility for,” Steele told Republicans at the state convention in traditionally conservative Georgia. “So how do I pay for that? Who pays for that? You just cost me money.”

Obviously, The ChairMan of Steele got the memo that the GOP wants to focus on gay marriage, rather than abortion, as its core social issue (another epically bad idea, but that’s a topic for another post). So he was halfway there in the benefitting-his-party thang. It’s only that pesky, undoubtedly inadvertent, argument he just made for universal health care that got in the way of this being a pretty acceptable Bush-era-conservative speech.

Then again, maybe Michael Steele missed the Obama administration’s argument that federally-provided health insurance would save small businesses an assload of money. After all, if you Google “Obama health care small business,” only 19,400,000 results pop up. And who’s got the time to read all that shizzle, Baby?!


NY Times Doesn’t Want Any Part Of Geffen’s Communist Bullpucky

So, last week David Geffen was outed as having perhaps the best idea ever to save the newspapaer industry, starting with the the NY Times. In a fashion that makes transparent the reasons they are so publicly f(l)ailing, Times editor Bill Keller has countered with the worst idea ever.

A “meter system,” in which the reader can roam freely on the Web site until hitting a predetermined limit of word-count or pageviews, after which a meter will start running and the reader is charged for movement on the site thereafter.

Yup, you read that right: They want to charge internet readers by the word. What better way to counteract the nefarious insurgence of communism (i.e. “non-profit” *shudder*) than to profit off the free-est part of your precious free market?

Oh, and he had another idea too:

Mr. Keller described the second proposal as a “membership” system…Mr. Keller described the second proposal as a “membership” system.

That one sounds suspiciously like PBS, no?

I say it’s time the Sulzbergers give up their stranglehold on media beholden to advertising lords and masters already. They have enough money to last for generations’ worth of loquacious scallawagging through the Upper East Side as is, and a city about to rescind terms limits for the highest-bidding mayor (hint: Bloomberg) could use a reliable news source (besides…well, Bloomberg).

May 2009