Posts Tagged ‘christians


Palin Became Exactly As Common Sense Would Expect Her To

So I’ve been MIA for a while because of myriad reasons: failing at life/job search, depression, travel to the US, further depression. But, hey, what is life without public journal entries, so I’m trying to get back in the ol’ habit.

The trip to the United States was both an inspiration to write, and an inspiration to never write again due to continued drunkenness. My thoughts on it were too muddled and angry to chronicle at the time, but I may be able to soon. So, yeah, my thoughts on where the US is going, and why I may never go with it, will someday be coming under the tentative title “I’ve Seen The Best Minds Of My Generation Destroyed By Consumerism.” When I’m absolutely sure I can write the entry without the phrase “free verse” entering my internal monologue, tempting me to try to rewrite the un-rewrite-ably brilliant “America,” I’ll do it. In the meantime, I have to make fun of Sarah Palin. No, really, I have to.

Why? Because I’m mean? Kinda. Because she’s a quitter and a chronic no-show disappointment? Maybe. Because Levi Johnston and his family are painting her as a shitty mom, in an article really only worth reading because it cites the son of a meth-dealer as saying Palin doesn’t cook enough (Oh, gods of irony, you are so kind)? Nah.

No, I’m making fun of her religion. That’s right. You heard me. Her religion. (Come ‘n’ get me, religious right!)

Now everyone knows Sister Sarah is a big Jesus pot. Fine. And she’s fundamentalist. Fine again. What was news to me (and, I suppose, to Tina Brown, seeing as she published it and all) was this Third Wave business. As the article states,

According to the Third Wave’s founding father, William Branham, a rural Canadian preacher, Satan had sex with Eve and gave birth to Cain—the so-called “Serpent Seed.” “Through Cain came all the smart, educated people down to the antediluvian flood—the intellectuals, bible colleges,” Branham wrote. “They know all their creeds but know nothing about God.”

The notion that being educated is not only not the most important thing in the world, but is actually the closest to Satan you can get, is inflammatory and horrifying, but, most importantly to me, revelatory. Since her introduction to the nation, Palin has pretty ritualistically shit out her mouth at every opportunity granted her. I figured, though, that a combination of nerves and non-linear thinking could lead to her word salad problem. What puzzled me–seriously, visibly, unceasingly puzzled me–was that she writes exactly how she speaks.

How can that be? How can it be that someone looks at sentences like, “But he endured such ridicule and mocking for his vision for Alaska, remember the adversaries scoffed, calling this “Seward’s Folly”. Seward withstood such disdain as he chose the uncomfortable, unconventional, but RIGHT path to secure Alaska, so Alaska could help secure the United States,” and hits “Print”? How in blazes can someone publish such an unholy mess, when they’re supposed to be an authority figure in public life?

Ah, now I understand. It’s because it is precisely not an unholy mess; it is, in fact, a saintly scramble of wordlings that kindasortayabetcha might could go together. For Jesus.

I have to remember this as I read excerpts from her speech in Hong Kong. Excerpts like these:

Personally, I’ve always been really interested in the ideas, too, about the land bridge. Ideas that maybe so long ago, had allowed Alaska to be physically connected to this part of our world so many years ago.

(IDEAS?!?!?! She thinks someone had the IDEA to shift tectonic plates, and that maybe they should do that again?!?!)

The marketplace didn’t fail. It became exactly as common sense would expect it to.

(I see where she’s going, but I think mocking the way her audience writes manuals for its products won’t win their favor).


So for Alaska, which is the air crossroads of the world, to this prosperous dynamic force in the world, Hong Kong, I bring good tidings, wishes for more blessing and vibrant life and even more freedom.

So I get it now. Sarah Palin’s head is the air crossroads of her ears because Jesus won’t love her otherwise. Gotcha.

As I said, I think this is great. Hilarious also (bonus!), but just generally fantastic. What I’m seeing here is actual evidence that the people I think have no business deciding anything for anyone ever are militantly anti-intellectual. And, while I normally find anti-intellectual sentiment an abomination up with which I shall not put, in this case, I think it’s perfect. Yes, Third Wavers, ignore the old addage that “Knowledge Is Power,” and assume you’ll get by on your Christian fortitude alone. The rest of us will read books, progress, and take your money by all legal (and illegal) means possible. Far be it from me to tell you to rise up and better yourselves if you truly desire a voice in industry or politics.

Oh, and keep Twittering. For larfs. KTHXBAI.


Who Would Jesus Waterboard?

Any camel-jockeyin’ motherfuckin’ heathen in his path, that’s who (according to Christians):

The more often Americans go to church, the more likely they are to support the torture of suspected terrorists, according to a new survey.

I’m more shocked at the shock at this survey than the outcome thereof. Waterboarding was a special delight for the Spanish Inquisitors back in the day, and for the same reason (the ol’ “They don’t agree with our fundamental beliefs, so they’re not people” defense). Still, it begs the question:

If God is omnipotent, could He create some followers so self-contradictory and violently misguided that they would eventually waterboard themselves?

Here’s hopin’.