Posts Tagged ‘famous retards

13
Jun
09

Sarah Palin Secretly Thinks Jokes About Molesting Willow Are Teh Funneh

‘Kay, so anyone who’s not up on the Palin-Letterman feud, buckle in, cause I got a lot to say about it. Here’s what happened:

The Palins visited NYC, and attend a Yankees game with Giul911ani. Letterman, to paraphrase, said the following about their trip:

1. The best part was that they got to go to Bloomingdale’s to update Sarah’s “slutty flight attendant” look.
2. The worst part was keeping their daughter away from Eliot Spitzer.
3. The most surprising part was when their daughter got knocked up by A-Rod during the 7th inning stretch.

The Palins got livid, and released the following statements:

“Any ‘jokes’ about raping my 14-year-old are despicable. Alaskans know it and I believe the rest of the world knows it, too.”

- Todd Palin

“Concerning Letterman’s comments about my young daughter (and I doubt he’d ever dare make such comments about anyone else’s daughter): ‘Laughter incited by sexually-perverted comments made by a 62-year-old male celebrity aimed at a 14-year-old girl is not only disgusting, but it reminds us some Hollywood/NY entertainers have a long way to go in understanding what the rest of America understands – that acceptance of inappropriate sexual comments about an underage girl, who could be anyone’s daughter, contributes to the atrociously high rate of sexual exploitation of minors by older men who use and abuse others.’”

- Governor Sarah Palin

First thing’s first. Read that statement given by Sarah Palin again. Sweet weeping Jayzus on a popsicle stick, have you ever SEEN so much punctuation trying to reign in a pointless ramble (aside from here)?!?! The unnecessary parenthetical, followed by a colon followed by her quoting herself within her own statement. Of course, there’s then the dash, the repetition and artless nature of her speech…the whole thing is seriously mindblowing. It reads like someone who not only doesn’t speak English well, but just doesn’t understand the nature of language and communication (i.e. that it should convey to someone else your interior monologue, rather than just reflect it directly). Now, I ramble. I know this. But in official capacities, I tend to err on the side of brevity if I want to be taken seriously. I mean, really. An elected official sat down to write an official statement, and this is what she came up with. Let me edit this fer ya, elite that I am: “Any time a member of the bi-coastal elites uses his or her celebrity to make light of the tragic molestation and sexual exploitation of minors in this country, I take serious offense, but never more so than when the victim of the satire is my own young daughter, who merely wanted to see New York, not enter the political arena. Mr. Letterman should be ashamed of himself.” KTHXBAI.

Anyway, given Sarah Palin’s total lack of understanding of the basics of communication, even with her precious journalism degree, I am starting my own “birthers” movement, postulating that Sarah Palin was born a turtle, and is therefore ineligible to be Governor of Alaska. Run with it, kiddos!


So, anyway, in true Letterman form, he spent 7 minutes smacking them down, claiming the jokes were about Bristol, saying they were tasteless, and driving home the point they were jokes. To which the Palins followed up yet again, with Todd issuing another terse, simple, but to-the-point statement, saying that, since their 14-year-old was the only daughter on the trip with them, they’d assumed the jokes to be at her expense (truth be told, so did I).

Sarah, no longer to be trusted around the writing bit, responded via Meg Stapleton, Sarah’s spokesperson:

“The Palins have no intention of providing a ratings boost for David Letterman by appearing on his show,” Stapelton said in an email to ABC News. “Plus, it would be wise to keep Willow away from David Letterman.”

So jokes about Willow getting molested really are hilarious. But only when her parents do it. *shudder*

13
May
09

Name Palin’s Memoirs!


America’s being given a new favorite parlor game, since Sarah Palin has finally announced the inevitable multimillion-dollar book deal. Just when I had finished my initial thought (“Does anyone actually not know put near everything about her life?”), gotten over a giggling fit while thinking the dire job ahead for the ghost writer, and overcome my disgust at her insistence that she write about her poor kids and new grandchild, I came across this shiny gem of a quotation at the bottom of the article:

Two years ago, Palin told PBS’ Charlie Rose that her favorite writers were C.S. Lewis (“very, very deep”) and a Runner’s World columnist, Dr. George Sheehan.

BWAH!

“Being a voracious reader, I read a lot today and have read a lot growing up. And having that journalism degree, all of that, will be a great assistance for me in writing this book, talking about the challenges and the joys, balancing the work and parenting, and, in my case, work means running the state,” Palin said.

BWAHahahahahaha!!!!!

Since I’m feeling like an elitist anyway, I’m calling for a time-wasting elitist-type thing to do, one birthed by the fecund commenters’ minds over at Wonkette: Name Sarah Palin’s Memoirs! My initial thoughts are as follows:

1. “Dashing Great Expectations”
2. “Winked the Beloved Cuntily”
3. “The Sarah Palin Lessonbook for Kids Who Want to Read Good and Want To Do Other Stuff Good Also Also Also.”

If only “Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail” weren’t already taken. And “Naked Lunch” would only cover how she got the Veep pick.

Also.

01
May
09

Michele Bachmann Is No Smalley Hoot

Happy Friday, all! I may just designate this day Michele Bachmann Hilarity day every week, but…she’s really too much gift for only one day. Regardless, here’s some more herstory (shout out to the Feminazis in the house) to get you ready for the weekend.

For each historical inaccuracy now, drink!

In case you didn’t spot ‘em, here they are:

1. It’s Smoot-Hawley.

2. It was passed in 1930. FDR hadn’t been elected yet.

3. It was repealed by FDR in 1934.

4. It was written by Republicans. It’s actually quite famous. Really, it’s one of the cornerstones of conservative thinking from that era, and is a frequent example in any Economics 101 class (although I’m betting Olbermann joins me in first hearing about it from Ben Stein in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off).

Go back again now and watch. And drink. And again. And again.

06
Apr
09

Woohoo! Michele Bachmann Says More Crazy Stuff!

So it’s Monday and it’s springtime and staying inside and working is…well, not fun (even though it’s a blessing for most of us to have jobs, I know, I know). Good thing Michele Bachmann is thinking of us poor slobs and going about her business of saying ridiculous things in public! Here she is talking about ObaMao Tse Tung’s verrrryy scccaarrrry plan to ZOMG PAY PEOPLE TO DO PUBLIC SERVICE!!!!

13
Feb
09

Even Neocons Think Bush Is Retarded

Here’s a link to the National Review’s best conservative movies of all time. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED READING MATERIAL.

Some favorite choices?

The predictables:

The Incredibles (Well, duh. Suburban schlubs triumph again!)
300 (Of course. Can’t believe this isn’t #1.)
Team America (Yup. It still amazes me that fans of South Park have no idea and/or deny it’s written by staunch conservatives. Potheads are so dense.)

Bubba Gump

Bubba Gump


Pursuit of Happyness (Liberals are lazy deadbeats.)
United 93 (Never Forget!)
Red Dawn (Ah, I’d almost forgotten about my darling Wolverines.)

The hilarious:

Juno (Choice = anti-choice?)
Brazil (Jesus, even Terry Gilliam chided Bush and Cheney for ripping him off in the nightmarish police state they’ve created over the last eight years.)
Groundhog Day (Huh? Wait, no, I see the politics now…no, seriously, huh???)
Lord of the Rings (Wait, didn’t the social conservatives think Frodo and Sam were gay? And now they’re Bush and Rove? Are they trying to tell us something?)

But my favorite…

#4: Forrest Gump.

FORREST GUMP??? The story of a functionally-retarded Southerner who stumbles his way ass-backwards into prominence in America???? REALLY?????????

Seriously, in the midst of all the partisan bickering over the stimulus, Gregg, and the LIBRULS TAKING OVER WASHINGTON, it’s nice that the folks at NRO are extending a hand across the aisle, conceding what we all knew to be a joke-turned-horrible-reality. And how wonderful that us bed-wetting liberal types have enough distance at this point to find it funny, rather than horrifying. In the immortally screaching words of Lucille Bluth, “OOOOOH, isn’t it great to talk like this???”




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