Has Fat Dickless Slob Larry Summers Ever Done Anything Good Ever In His Fat Dickless Life?

I’ve had it with this asshat being part of Obama’s cabinet. He may indeed be the smartest guy ever in the history of mankind, but he is a worldclass asshole, virtually unparalleled within either party.

As we all know, he touts as one of his bonafides his previous post as president of Harvard. Till he said girls are stupid and can’t do math and was forced to leave.

He then went on to head up the World Bank during our last worstest recession (1991).

He was also with Big Bubba Clinton for a stint as Treasury Secretary during which he enacted the policy perhaps most singularly responsible for our current meltdown.

And now he’s busy tarnishing our poor Princess Sparkle Pony’s cabinet. He goes on talk shows and enrages the living shit out of people by claiming the notorious AIG bonuses are lost forever. Once that fury dies down, he goes with Obama to a crucial meeting with the credit card companies, during which they’re supposed to be telling them to stop being such usurious pricks. And falls asleep.

Can we just team him up with the other most-hateable Clintonite (good ol’ Dick Morris) to go fight crime under the names “Toe-Sucker and the Douche”?

Occam’s Razor, Fugue-ish Feeding, And Why I Love Dissent

Suffice to say, I have just had it with all kinds of medical practitioners. Midwives, nurses, doctors, and specialists…I’ve been awash for the last month in all their sage wisdom.

“Your daughter needs to eat more carbohydrates. She must have potatoes during every meal and desserts after. And, no, rice and beans don’t count as carbohydrates.” “Your daughter needs a tube in her ear to prevent ear infections.” “Her ears are fine.” “She has thrush, which could signal an autoimmune deficiency.” “She absolutely does not have thrush, and she’s perfectly healthy.”

This has all put me in the mindset of Dr. House, especially as I keep repeating the same medical history to each so-called “specialist.” So here’s the mystery we’re trying to solve:

My baby’s spent the first 7 months of her life in the 10-25% of weight, and the 50-75% height. When she started at daycare, she was upset. Really upset. Like, hunger strike upset. She refused all nourishment all day, and any given to her was promptly vomited back up. When I would pick her up, she would only accept breast milk, since she was looking for comfort. This went on till her first birthday, and still does to some extent (she will throw up any breakfast she eats upon entry through the door). It has, up till now, taken a month straight of visits to specialists to explain to her doctors, then, why she has dropped to the 3% in weight and 10% in height (or lower).

Also, they can’t figure out how she keeps catching ear infections.

Egads, man, when did the simplest answer to something become so goddamned elusive? I couldn’t understand this until listening yesterday to the latest “specialist” in baby care, but now I think I get it: They cannot tolerate variations on a theme.

The doctor was pounding me with rapid-fire questions for a half an hour, trying to get me to give her an example of my baby’s daily diet. Thing is, she doesn’t have a set schedule, and her tastes change daily. The doctor could not compute this, and got more and more agitated until she started barking orders at me, telling me EXACTLY what she had to eat and when. Why does my baby have to eat cereal for breakfast and not rice and beans, if she so desires? I got no answer. She did, however, go on to tell me my daughter was likely vitamin deficient, or otherwise malnourished, without a single test result to look at…just because she was confounded by a baby who ate what she wanted when she was hungry.

My husband and I have always been against excessive schedule-making when it comes to parenting, but never have I been more against it than I am now. I used to just think it was healthier for a child to be able to be flexible as far as nap times and meal times go (especially since we are public transportation junkies), but now I think it’s healthier for society in general. This is part of a larger parenting quibble we have with traditional parenting mores: “Because I said so” is a ridiculous answer to any question.

The progressive dumbing-down of societies (all this happened in Spain, but it could be anywhere) is becoming so rampant, it’s starting to terrify me, and I just see this manner of illogically foisting rules on people over whom you have authority as a highly contributive factor. Why not encourage a child (or patient) to know the reason he does what he does, or doesn’t do what he doesn’t do? Kids actually like information (hence the ubiquitous question, “Why?”), and sometimes light-hearted reasoning can really help (My nephew, who won’t eat almost anything given to him, finally ate his fish sticks when I explained that protein is what your body utilizes to grow. The terrifying prospect of being shorter than his baby cousin suddenly spurred his appetite to never-before-seen heights.)

In short, if my child’s doctor doesn’t like my daughter eating dahl for breakfast, then 😛

Karzai Kind Of Admits You Maybe Shouldn’t Rape Your Wife

In case you didn’t know already, Afghanistan recently said it was legal to rape your wife. And now Hamid Karzai is maybe admitting that might not have been the greatest idea.

“I ordered the justice minister to review the law, and if there is anything that would contravene … the freedom our constitution gives to Afghan women … there will be changes in it,” Karzai said on Saturday.

Here’s the thing: I’m glad this is getting reviewed, and I’m horrified by the law. Let’s get that out of the way. But let’s take a look at who’s outraged. Europe? Last I checked Italy was in Europe, and last I checked, Berlusconi decreed it legal to rape a woman, so long as she’s in blue jeans. America? Who’s never ever convicted anyone of marital rape ever? Whose most famous case of marital rape involved a whack job (pun intended) lopping off her attacker’s member?

So, it’s not only the hypocrisy and posturing of this that’s bothering me (“Yes, we tacitly admit it’s OK to rape them, but you can’t say that” *wink wink nudge nudge*), but also the total glossing over of the rest of the so-called “rape law.”

Under the new measure, Shia women would be banned from working or receiving an education without their husbands’ permission, the UN agency said.

They would also be forbidden from leaving their homes except for “legitimate purposes,” the agency said.

Wow, good thing they’re maybe going to think about repealing that rape business. It’ll be EZ street for dem broads from then on, I tell ya.

The Octuplets Have A Shitty Mom. Also, Sun Rises.

Call this the shock heard round the world: One of Nadya Suleman’s fired volunteer nannies is speaking out (I know, I know, how do you fire volunteers, right?), and she’s pulling no goddamned punches.

“This woman does not care for these kids,” Linda West-Conforti said on the talk show. “She is in [it] for the paparazzi, the media…Nadya only fed her babies … when a film crew was in her house,” West-Conforti said. “That’s the only time that woman ever volunteered to feed a child. And I tell you what happened: During one episode she was done feeding … she picked up the child [and] gave it to me on my chest. She didn’t burp it; she didn’t change the diaper; [she] walked out of that room and [didn’t see] her for another 12 hours.”

Now there are a lot of reasons this doesn’t surprise me. Who, after all, but a narcissist would so purposefully have so many children while being totally unsure of how to provide for them (and deprive her parents of a retirement in the process)? The main reason, though, is the following: It almost always holds that people who proclaim themselves to be expertly adept about something are, in fact, really awful at it.

Have you ever met a self-proclaimed pool shark who doesn’t scratch on the 8? A “ladies’ man” who doesn’t go home alone? An expert in French who doesn’t freeze up when the Metro attendant asks them how many tickets they’d like?

I suppose I’ve grown hyper-sensitive to it, since, being a liberal and all, I get accosted by womyn all the time. No, not “women”…womyn. They are constantly telling me what great feminists they are, and what a horrible example of a female human I am. I’ve been told what I should read, watch, listen to, and think about things on many, many occasions. While infuriating in its antithetical nature, I’ve gotten to the point where it makes me laugh. Especially because, almost invariably, these pillars of the feminist community are completely under the thumbs of some man somewhere, or, worse yet, are hoping to be. “I can’t believe you would say you think that model’s too fat for the runway! She’s got womanly curves, and she’s rightfully proud! Now excuse me while I go scope my Women’s Studies class for a sensitive man who’ll support me the rest of my life.”

Which brings me back to parenting. I have no doubt that, were I in the United States, I would be getting a lot more schooling than I do now, and I receive plenty via the phone/internet. What I’ve found, unsurprisingly, is that those who are the most adamant about their advice being the way to go are the ones who are least capable of doling it out. I suppose it’s a defense mechanism; confronted by their own lack of knowledge about something so fundamental and important, they overcompensate by trying to assert that they really know everything there is about it.

So, yeah, OctoMom, OctoPussy, Crazy Baby Lady, whatever you want to call her…the minute I read her quoted as saying this: “Everything I do, I’ll stop my life for them and be present with them. And hold them. And be with them. And how many parents do that? I’m sure there are many that do, but many don’t. And that’s unfortunate. That is selfish.” Yeah, that just REEKS of bullshit.

Speaking of which, I have to go report to two self-proclaimed genius physicists about their self-proclaimed groundbreaking research skills.

Zero Tolerance Of Everything Except Molesting A 13-Year-Old

In case you missed it, it seems the case brought by Savana Redding against her school for strip-searching her when she was 13 is going to be heard by the Supreme Court. If you have an aversion to horrifying invasions of privacy, please don’t read the following:

An assistant principal, enforcing the school’s antidrug policies, suspected her of having brought prescription-strength ibuprofen pills to school. One of the pills is as strong as two Advils.

The search by two female school employees was methodical and humiliating, Ms. Redding said. After she had stripped to her underwear, “they asked me to pull out my bra and move it from side to side,” she said. “They made me open my legs and pull out my underwear.”

This was, apparently, all done in the name of “Zero Tolerance,” perhaps the stupidest goddamned idea in education since “No Child Left Behind.” What I don’t understand about this is manyfold:

1. How can you perpetrate searches like this, then send a teen off to history class, where they will learn that the U.S. is unique amongst the world’s nations for its intolerance of unreasonable search and seizure?

2. When did we devolve into a society so terrified of drugs that searching in a child’s vagina for Advil became de rigeur?

3. What exactly would they have done for “punishment” had they found said drugs? Suspension? How would it be seen as a negative for the girl if she had to go home, and away from the hands of humiliation that had just scoured her every orifice?

4. Supreme Court? This had to go to the Supreme Court??? This sounds like a goddamned easy call to me. Then again, I’m one of those bed-wetting hippie feminazis who’s against child molestation.

Bill O’Reilly Stalks Women To Tell Them How Important Their Safety Is To Him

This is really…Hypocritical? Hilarious? Terrifyingly creepy?

After some poor female blogger pointed out that Bill O’Reilly’s upcoming speech at a rape victims’ convention is kind of odd, considering his notable history of calling a rape victim “stupid,” he had one of his goons accost said blogger on the street. That didn’t sate his appetite for womyn’s rights, though, so he had some people follow her on vacation to deMAND she apologize to victims of…well, stalking and rape.

– The Stalking: Watters and his camera man accosted me at approximately 3:45 p.m. on Saturday, March 21, in Winchester, VA, which is a two-hour drive from Washington, DC. My friend and I were in this small town for a short weekend vacation and had told no one about where we were going. I can only infer that the two men staked out my apartment and then followed me for two hours. Looking back, my friend and I remember seeing their tan SUV following us for much of the trip…

– The Evasion: I said that it was inappropriate for O’Reilly to imply that just because a woman may be drunk and/or dressed in a certain way, she should expect to be raped. Watters asked me whether I had listened to the interview (which I had) and claimed that O’Reilly had made the comments in the context of a commentary on Mel Gibson/drunkenness…

The blogger asked why Think Progress was being targeted here (and got the hilarious answer that it’s because they’re part of the “smear machine” that is after poor ol’ Billy Boy), but I think that’s beside the point. Keith Olbermann is part of that same machine, and he’s been harping on this bit o’ hypocrisy for a good while now. Why, then, did they target this woman?

This is part of a trend with O’Reilly. In the footage I’ve seen of his producers accosting people, I have only seen his people accost those with vaginas in private, intimate settings (at home or on vacation, rather than on the street or on a bus). One might say this behavior is…erm, predatory and plays on these women’s fears of being attacked (and might, therefore, help the producer’s elicit an apology from said woman).

Then again, just look at what Cynthia Tucker was wearing while at home checking her mail. She was totes asking for it.

No, Meghan McCain, This Is What Socially-Accepted Prejudice Looks Like

I recently read Meghan McCain’s idiotic blog responding to Laura Ingraham and her attack on overweight women. No, I don’t think it’s idiotic because it’s saying the attack was unwarranted and juvenile, since that’s obviously true. And, no, I don’t think it’s idiotic because it, like all her other posts, reads as though a 9-year-old wrote it. Mostly, it was this line that I objected to: Today, taking shots at a woman’s weight has become one of the last frontiers in socially accepted prejudice.

Inferring that you’re chunky is not a socially-accepted prejudice. Don’t believe me? Try reading the numerous responses written and spoken (including here) about Ingraham’s remark, all of which deem it out of line (even Bill O’Reilly admitted that). That’s not social acceptance of said prejudice; that’s a rightful repudiation.

What is socially-accepted prejudice, then? How about the kind of prejudice that rescinds 10% of the American population’s basic civil rights to live and love as they please? How about a new and growing trend in South Africa to “cure” some of these people by engaging in “corrective rape”? How about it seeming like a slur to imply our President was possibly once maybe connected to someone who might be a Muslim?

That, my poor dear, is what hate look like. And it’s nothing whatsoever like implying that Jessica Simpson was wearing something mind-bogglingly unflattering that undercut her image as a sex symbol (one, by the by, that she and her father hand-crafted and topped off with a video of her washing a car in a string bikini).

This is not to say that, seeing as weight is still a social and not a health concern in American culture, it’s not difficult for you to hear someone lambaste yours. Especially when your social circle is largely, I’m supposing, composed of wealthy women who love nothing more than to snark at anyone approaching a double-digit dress size whenever possible (my high school memories are all coming back to me now). All I’m saying is it would behoove you to show some perspective, and some respect, for people who have to somehow survive and cope with the real deal.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Gather ’round for story time!

In honor of the wearin’ of the green, I know I could relate the traditional legend about St. Patrick ridding Ireland of snakes. Rather than perpetuate bullshit, though, here’s a real Irish story from my family tree about our proudest member, Grace O’Malley, the famed bald pirate from back in the day:

Grace O’Malley (also called Granuaile) was a famous pirate, seafarer, trader and chieftain in Ireland in the 1500’s. She was born in 1530 in County Mayo, Ireland and was the daughter of sea captain Owen O’Malley. As a young child, Grace always knew she wanted to be a sailor but as a female, she was discouraged repeatedly. Extremely upset when her father refused to take her on a sailing trip, legend has it Grace cut off all her hair and dressed in boys clothes to prove to her parents that she could handle the trip and live a seafarer’s life. Seeing this, her father and brother laughed aloud and nicknamed her “Grainne Mhaol” meaning “Bald Grace” (which is believed to have led to her nickname “Granuaile.”) Eventually, through her persistence, she was allowed to go to sea with her father and his fleet of ships.

In her later years, Grace developed her reputation as a fearless leader through her efforts in battle along side her followers. Legend has it that Grace gave birth to one of her sons while out to sea. The very next day following the birth of the baby, the ship was attacked by Turkish pirates. Though exhausted from giving birth Grace grabbed a gun, went on deck and proceded to rally her men against the Turks, forcing their retreat.

At 56 years old, Grace was captured by Sir Richard Bingham, a ruthless Governer appointed by the Queen to rule over the regranted territories. Soon after his appointment, Bingham sent guards to arrest Grace and have her hanged. Grace was apprehended and along with members of her clan, imprisoned and scheduled for execution. Determined to die with dignity, Grace held her head high as she awaited her execution. At the last minute, Grace’s son-in-law offered himself as a hostage in exchange for the promise that Grace would never return to her rebellious ways. Bingham released Grace on this promise but was determined to keep her from power and make her suffer for her insurrection. Over the course of time, Bingham was responsible for taking away her cattle, forcing her into poverty, even plotting the murder of her eldest son, Owen.

In short, she personified the best stuff to know about the Irish: We’re bawdy, witty, willful, and tough as shit. And the English are petty dickheads. The end. Now go get drunk and pick a fight with anyone with bad teeth.

Ingraham Beat Coulter To Calling Meghan McCain Fat

Oooooh…Ann Coulter’s gonna be PISSED! Her fellow skinny blonde conservative, Laura Ingraham, took all the easy Meghan McCain mockery before she had the chance!

INGRAHAM (mocking): Ok, Meghan. Do you think that anyone would be talking to you if you weren’t kind of cute and you weren’t the daughter of John McCain? Or do you just think that they would just think that you were just another Valley Girl gone awry?

MADDOW: You picked a fight with somebody who’s definitely going to fight back.

MCCAIN: Yeah. Well, if it was, you know, if it was too hot in the kitchen, I’d get out. I know what I’m doing and I know that I’m creating, she probably will respond, she already has, but I’m sure she’ll respond harder, but this dialogue should take place. It should. I think that you know, often times and I think it’s relevant because I am a Republican. I still consider myself a Republican and that’s why it’s relevant because I’m someone within the party.

INGRAHAM (mocking): How long before she totally totally abandons the Daily Beast and makes it official at the Huffington Post?

MCCAIN: And I think there’s an extreme on both parties and I hate extreme. I don’t understand. I have friends that are the most radically conservative and radically liberal people possibly ever and we all get along. We can find a middle ground.

INGRAHAM (mocking): Ok, I was really hoping that I was going to get that role in the Real World, but then I realized that, well, they don’t like plus-sized models. They only like the women who look a certain way. And on this 50th anniversary of Barbie, I really have something to say.

Awright, girlies, I know you get upset when one of your own says something bad about one of your bestest ever girlfriends, but come on…Meghan McCain? Really? She discredits herself when she opens her mouth, so why bother? I mean, that’s why I haven’t commented on either Laura Ingraham, Michelle Malkin, or Ann Coulter till now.

And why now? Selfish reasons. While watching poor Meghan McCain unknowingly embarrass herself on Maddow last night, I turned to my husband and said, “Coulter will call her a fat bimbo in 3…2…”

So, yeah, I’m just writing this to proclaim, once again, that I. know. mean. bitches.

So what’s next? Well, of course, all of Coulter’s BFF are going to chime in (ain’t a serious girlfight without your friends helping you out), and I’ll put my money on any or all of them attacking her useless degree, her status as only recently employed, and her recent decision to become a Republican to please her daddy, who pays her rent, since she doesn’t agree with conservative views on social issues and doesn’t have any economic beliefs that aren’t on a bumper sticker (“Pork bad”). Then it’ll be on to her family (her dad, who recently lost in a landslide to what the Right considers an “empty suit,” and her pill-popping mom), her clothes, her hair, and her makeup. And more fat jokes (“It sure doesn’t look like she doesn’t like pork” and the like). Pretty standard.

As a quick note, I’m so fucking tired of people saying, “I didn’t take [class name here] in college,” and using that as an excuse to not know anything about it (Meghan McCain claimed on Maddow–after saying how bad “pork” is–that she doesn’t want to venture opinions on economic issues, since she didn’t take econ in college). Read a goddamned book, and stop telling the world that your lack of intellectual curiosity is somehow an out. You’re in the public forum. Pick up a fucking newspaper. (Or all of them, if you’re the queen of the idiots, Sarah Palin.)

Can Michelle Obama Teach Americans To Eat Right? Prolly Not.

Don’t get me wrong: I hope she succeeds in her stated goal to encourage healthful eating across the United States. And I really think, if anyone can do it, she can. (Can anyone remember such a collective swoon happening in the States at a couple’s physiques as has happened with these two? Seriously, it’s like we all have a touch of the vapors when they bare the tiniest bit of skin.)

It’s just that, as I’ve said many times before, the notion that being American means overindulging in everything is soooo ingrained, it seems impossible to extricate from our collective consciousness. Her idea to highlight overindulgence in local produce seems smart, since it’s not taking away anything (just modifying it), but it’s still a tough sell. Wearing our hyper-consumption of bacon grease (and spare tires) like a badge of honor has become de rigeur. I hope it changes, since it’s not only wildly unhealthy but also seriously costly to the American taxpayer (yes, more so than smokers or drug addicts), but I lack the hope these guys have.

Part of the reason? They’re already catching flack from our fucking Congressmen about the “tiny portions” they’re being served at the White House dinners. If these guys (who, I hate to say it, are actually role models to a lot of people) can’t suck it up and set an example, I just don’t know if this idea can sell.

It’s not just about the food either. It seems to be a generally accepted notion in the U.S. to sort of expect free lunches, if you will. The legends of people pulling themselves up by the bootstraps aside, we seem to expect to just be given things without working very hard or long at them. It could be my generational lack of patience with everything (blame Sesame Street!), our proliferation of easily-available fast food, or who knows what; cutting corners to get ahead just seems to be the new American dream. Sure, we want the chiseled bodies of our new leaders, but we don’t soooo much want to put in the hours at the gym or eat like they do.

Part of this also stems from our reluctance to tell people they’re not special in some way. From high school teachers no longer being able to correct grammar, to the SAT’s being easier to ace, we seem to be unable to tell our children that everything they do and are isn’t exceptionally perfect, lest we damage their self esteem. I understand this desire. Really. I constantly tell my daughter how wonderful she is, and I loathe the notion that one day she won’t feel that way. But my greatest hope is for her to one day truly accept herself, scars and all, and I know that me constantly denying she has any faults won’t help.

So, yeah, there are a lot of reasons I think Michelle might fail. But, then again, I had many more reasons I thought I’d never see a president elected who is smart, handsome, and in love with his family, so fuck do I know, right?